Reciprocity

My last post I talked about the movie PS I Love You. To be specific, I was really touched by the statement Daniel makes to Holly when he says “I’d like to be somebody’s Gerry.”

That got me thinking about things. I have spent a lot of time here talking about how we the readers are loving our partners. Brainstormed ideas on how we could put more effort into strengthening our relationships. Came up with ways we could do more for them. Taken responsibility for the shortcomings we feel exist. Explored ways we could feel more, love deeper, give more of ourselves.

I realized I haven’t done a very good job of exploring what we may want out of life. I haven’t been selfish enough here for us. I haven’t asked what we want to get out of our relationships. What is in it for us? We want to give more but is it wrong to want to get a little in return?

Daniels single statement changed my thinking on love. In that moment as I watched him say it and I heard the words I knew they hit me hard in a new place. And as I sat here today replaying them over and over and over I had an epiphany. I realized I was only working on half of the puzzle. Not only am I looking for a great love for ME, but I want to be a great love for HER. I know what I wanted FOR me. Now I know what I want FROM me.

Gerry writes a final letter to Holly before he dies. In that letter he is thanking her for their life together. He tells her how much she moved him, and changed him. How she made him a man by loving him. He says “Thank you for the honor of being my wife. I am a man with no regrets. How lucky I am, you made my life.”

Maybe it has been obvious to you but it wasn’t to me. Maybe it goes without saying that in our effort to have a great love we automatically are that for the other person. But having a great love isn’t the same as being a great love. I want to be able to write that letter to the woman I share my life with. But I want her to able to write it too! I want to be the man that moved a woman. That changed her. A man she felt honored to have as her husband. That left her with no regrets. That has her feeling lucky because I made her life. I want to be that.

Not only do I want to be Garrett from Message in a Bottle and be so utterly consumed with a woman’s love, but I want to know what it was like to be Catherine and have someone so utterly consumed by my love. I want to be someone’s everything. I want to have a woman love me so intensely that other men are jealous of me. And ask me how I do it. Long after Gerry was gone Holly couldn’t even imagine spending time with another man. Garrett didn’t even see the women around him because he was so in love with Catherine.

I want that for me. Ya I really do want to be somebody’s Gerry. But I also want be what Holly was to Gerry. What Catherine was to Garrett. I deserve to get as good as I give. Anything less is no longer acceptable.

brainstorminglife@yahoo.com

Somebody's Gerry

I have recently seen some really good movies and I am in the process of reading all of Nicholas Sparks books. He wrote The Notebook, a Walk To Remember, Nights in Rodanthe to name a few. I am on page 106 of Message In A Bottle and it really has me thinking about some things.

I haven't seen that movie yet. I will wait until I finish reading the book. In the book Garrett Blake lost his wife Catherine in an accident and he writes her love letters that he puts in bottles and tosses into the ocean. You can tell by reading them that he doesn't just love this woman, he is crazy unconditionally absolutely IN LOVE with her. He adores her. It’s the kind of love that makes you ache when you are apart. Has you walking around smiling for what seems like no good reason at all. Has you looking at her and saying a silent Thank You to God for letting you have her.

One day a woman, Theresa, is walking on the beach while on vacation and she finds one of his bottles. Inside was one of the letters he had written to Catherine and it was so powerful that she was taken by it. She shares the letter with her boss, and her boss talks her into publishing it in the newspaper column she writes. She receives hundreds of responses as women beg for information on who this man that loves so deeply may be. Surly men don't really talk like this. Right? They are not capable of expressing their feelings so powerfully if they even have any.

One of Theresa’s readers has found a letter herself and contacts Theresa. It was just as wonderful and emotional and heartbreaking as the one she had. She does a little research and she finds a third letter. Theresa’s boss compels her to go and find the man whose amazing love letters to the woman he loves have moved her so much.

Ok now toss into the thought process the movie PS I Love You. It’s about a girl named Holly who is trying to cope with the death of her husband Gerry. As you watch how their relationship started and grew you can see how much she meant to him. They were lovers and playmates and best friends. He was her everything. As you can see it is another story of an amazing love lost.

In the movie Harry Connick Jr plays Daniel, a nice guy who meets Holly and is attracted to her. He is having lunch with her one day and he is trying to talk Holly into a relationship. She is not interested because she can tell he isn't the one. You see, Gerry wasn't just another man. He wasn't just someone she loved and said "Yes" to. To Holly he was a once in a lifetime love. The kind that doesn't just come along everyday. He was to her what Catherine was to Garrett.

Daniel is clearly upset about the idea that she is not responding to his desire to pursue a relationship. But he does understand. And you can see in his eyes that his hurt is not just a result of her rejection. It’s much deeper than that. He listened to her talk about her love for Gerry and he sadly states “I’d like to be somebody’s Gerry”

There it is.

I said all that so I myself could say “I’d like to be somebody’s Gerry.”

brainstorminglife@yahoo.com

Reflecting on Happiness

We talked about happiness in your relationship a while back. Some people have found genuine happiness with the person they share their one and only life with. Others have figured out how to not be so unhappy, and trick themselves into being happy. (I call that the Dr. Dobson happiness)

I was sitting here thinking that in order for other areas of our lives to be happy and fulfilling shouldn't it start within our own heart? Don't we believe that our attitude and our outward expressions affect those around us? If we are positive and happy it's easier for those around us to be happy as well. If we encourage that idea that the glass is not only half full but that it is getting fuller every day then everyone around us will be encouraged to adopt that view on life.

People will mirror what they see in us. We can be a positive roll model. We can be a thermostat that sets the temperature in other peoples lives.

Here are some interesting quotes about happiness that may change how we look at life.

It isn't what you have in your pocket that makes you thankful but what you have in your heart.

Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.

Be thankful for what you have, not regretful for what you haven't.

If you have nothing to be thankful for then make up your mind that something is wrong with you.

He who is not grateful for the good things he has will not be happy for what he wishes he had.

Take a minute and brainstorm your view on life. Do you find that you are generally unhappy with life and have no good reason to be? Is life actually a lot better than you give it credit? Is there a reason you feel the way you do? Is your partner generally positive or negative? Do they find reasons to be happy or unhappy? I know from experience that when your partner is negative it is very hard to remain positive and upbeat. It wears on you.

I once read the difference between success and failure is the immediate outlook on a situation. A successful person says "I want to go to London for vacation and here is how I can do it..." The other person says "I cant go because there are all these reasons"

What do you want for your relationship? Do you approach it with a positive attitude reaching for success? Or something else?

HEARTWORK: Make a list of things you can do to improve your relationship. Make a list of things you want your partner to do to make the relationship better. Have your partner do it too. Exchange lists. And here is a new idea...TALK.

And of course, share your ideas with us. Brainstorminglife@yahoo.com

A Love Story

The movie Forest Gump is:

A) A comedy.
B) A drama
C) A tragedy
D) A Love Story

If you have any doubt that it is one of the best love stories of all time then you need take a moment and ask yourself what love is. Ask yourself how in the world you missed the obvious. Because let me say I think it is an amazing story. It is an amazing love. It is the kind of love I think we here at Brainstorming are dreaming of day in and day out. I know I sure am.

We all know Forest loves Jenny. But it's not your typical love. It's not infatuation or a crush. It's not momentary. It's not ambiguous or uncertain. From the first moment he meets her he knows she is the one.

He say's "You know, it's funny what a young man recollects, 'cause I don't remember being born. I don't recall what I got for my first Christmas, and I don't know when I went on my first outdoor picnic, but I do remember the first time I heard the sweetest voice in the wide world."

Watch the movie again and focus on Forest and what Jenny means to him. Watch the way he looks at her. Listen to how he talks about her. Notice how he protects her. Not because he is jealous she is out with other guys, but because he thinks she deserves to be treated better than they were treating her. She deserves the best. That's his girl. She was so lost for so long and he was there waiting for her. He was so in love with her he didn't know other women even existed.

No matter how far away she was he had her right there in his heart. I don't think a minute went by that he didn't spend it thinking about her. Missing her. Loving her. He named his boat after her. He talked about her non-stop. He showed up where she was to see her and spend time with her.

Watch them in the park together after he finds out he is a dad. The undeniable way he adores her as he listens to her talk. Pay attention to how he introduces her to Lieutenant Dan. "This is my Jenny" Not Jenny. MY Jenny. She was always his as far as he is concerned.

The tragedy of the movie is how long it takes Jenny to realize what Forest wants to give her. He knows he isn't a smart man, he tells her that. He tells her that he would make a good husband. And he wants to know why she doesn't love him. Why won't she marry him?

Why did it take her so long to figure it out? Did she only see it when it was too late? Her end was near and she needed to figure out what to do with her son so she contacts Forest. Was that fair? To Forest it was, remember he doesn't care WHY she is marrying him. All he cares about is that she is now his.

I think we should all take a moment to STOP. And see what we are missing out on. Take a look at your life through the eyes of Jenny. Are you wandering around lost and looking and trying everything you can to fill up the empty space in your heart? Are you missing the obvious love being offered to you? Do you have a Forest in your life waiting for you? Are you looking for your Forest?

Forest, do you have a Jenny? Do you have a love that consumes your every thought? Are you following her around trying to talk her into marrying you? Loving you? Have you told her what she means to you? How you can't get through the day without being lost in her memory? That you dream of a life with her?

HEARTWORK: There is a Doug Stone song called "Why Didnt I Think Of That" Read the lyrics. Ask yourself if you are doing all you can do to win her every day. It's not good enough to win her once. It has to be a daily quest. She needs to know every day that you would be lost without her. Does she know it? Have you told her?

NEXT: I recently read A Walk To Remember. I see a lot of Jenny in Landon. We will talk about that soon.

Email is brainstorminglife@yahoo.com. All comments, ideas, suggestions, complaints, etc are always welcome.

The Garden

I am sorry it has been another long stretch between posts. Life continues to get the better of me. I am planning on a number of items for the remainder of the month. I have been working on several ideas, and I seem to have more and more every day.

I heard an interesting theory the other day that I want to explore a little. The idea is that a woman is an amazing creature (not news to me) who is capable of growing whatever seed you give her. She is capable of adapting to her environment. And she will take on the atmosphere you create for her. It was the first time I had really thought about it but the idea has validity.

Here are some of the examples I came up with.(Ya I stole a couple of these to get the ball rolling)

Give a woman a house she can grow you a home.
Give a woman compassion and she will grow you a forgiving spirit.
Give a woman your heart she can grow to adore you.
Give a woman your mind and she will grow you wonderful conversations.
Give a woman your love and friendship and she will grow you a soul mate.
Give a woman your affection and she will grow you kindness.
Give a woman your loyalty and she will grow you confidence.

The list goes on and on. You see the idea now. I am convinced that the formula works every time it’s tried and you don’t have to put much effort into it. It’s going to happen. That's what is so amazing about this magnificent wonder we call woman. Her possibilities are endless.

But just the good things as possible, so are the bad. It’s not what her heart wants. I don't really want to detail the list for the bad possibilities. I think you understand that when you give her something unpleasant, then something unpleasant will grow.

If the formula really is this easy why are we missing it guys? Is there MORE to it than this? Or is it really this easy? Is there a piece to this puzzle we can't seem to figure out? Ladies how close are we to figuring it out?

Does that work both ways? Are guys that simple to figure out as well? Do we respond to positive things the way a woman does? Are we open and looking for that kind of encouragement? Or is that man of yours just a blob of indifferent grunts and odd sounds that is a hopeless project that you somehow love in spite of himself?
I am going to cast my vote for all the possibilities. Our relationships are a plot of open land and we make the decisions on what we plant, and what we allow to grow. If you have weeds in your garden and you see that then do yourself a favor and talk about them so you can pull them out. If you don’t then they will grow and grow and choke out anything positive that could be growing. Put the past in the past. Weed your garden together.

I am going to end the idea here because I want your feedback. Oh and if any of this sounds like the idea of "filling the tank" then pat yourself on the back for making the connection. It’s amazing how right that book has it. What book? Read the earlier posts to find out.

HEARTWORK: Make a list of the things being planted in your garden. Are they good things or bad things? Ever thought about sharing them with him/her? Ever try to weed the garden of things you don't want growing? How did it go? If you haven't tried tell me why. If you have tried to weed and they protect the weeds ask yourself why they do. Talk to them. Force the issues to the surface. Its either that or a weed patch.

Send me the list of things in your garden and tell me what they are growing into. The good and the bad. I will post them all and we will see what’s working and what’s not.

Oxygen

I wanted to get the month off to a good start with a really good post so I was sitting at my desk this morning sipping on some coffee reflecting on what a fiasco the last few weeks seems to have been for me. I fought fire after fire. Everywhere I turned there was drama and chaos and tension. Someone stop this ride and let me off. I need to catch my breath.

I was brainstorming that idea. Air. Catching my breath. Most people equate oxygen with air as though they are one in the same but oxygen makes up only about 20% of the air we breath. Most of the air we breath is nitrogen. So oxygen is really a small component but its so important that we literally could not live without it.

Oxygen is a minor component in another must-have element. Water. What is the make-up of water? A couple of hydrogen molecules and ... Oxygen. And we all know just how important water is in our lives. When scientists look at the solar system for signs of life they are looking for water. Without it there is no life.

OK stick with me. Air and water. Both of these elements have incredible impact on a third element. FIRE. A fire with a good oxygen source will thrive and burn and produce heat and warm you (or burn you) but it lives on a fuel source and oxygen. Water on the other hand will kill a fire if you put enough on it. The same oxygen mixed nitrogen breaths life into a fire. Mix it with hydrogen and it kills it.

How many see where I am going? If you do then I congratulate you. If not let me try and explain things a little better.

We are the oxygen. You are. I am. And the fire is the relationship with our partner. The relationship will grow or die depending on what additional items we attach to ourselves. If we attach hydrogen (anger, bitterness, apathy, selfishness, negativeness, etc) then we produce water and we kill the fire. We kill the relationship. If we attach nitrogen (love, compassion, kindness, warmth, sympathy, caring, devotion, etc) then we produce air and we give the fire life. We grow it.

Now when the fire is dying it doesn't mean we did it. And sometimes the fire is blazing and we are just bystanders. Our partners have as much power over the fire as we do. And if you are reading this blog then I would be betting you are a nitrogen giver (air) and have a partner who is a hydrogen giver (water). I hope I am wrong.

The question now is how do we identify the things that produce nitrogen in a relationship (give it life) and eliminate the hydrogen production (water). The first part is easy I think. I re-recommend the book 5 Love Languages. It is packed with ideas for breathing life into a relationship. And when you see them in your partner encourage them. It will make them grow.

For the relationship killing items we need to tell ourselves they are not acceptable. And tell our partner. If something drives a wedge between you and makes you unhappy then they need to know. Find a way to tell them. If its you then make the decision to STOP.

HEARTWORK: Ask yourself what you are bringing to the party. Hydrogen or Nitrogen. Is it beyond your control? If the relationship is good then focus on making it better. Find new ideas. Encourage the good and make it clear the bad is not acceptable. If its bad then decide to fix it, live with it, or move on. You will know what you need to do there.

Send me ideas for bring Nitrogen to a relationhip. And if your relationship is full of hydrogen tell me why. Lets put a response list together and see what we can come up with.

brainstorminglife@yahoo.com

The "One" Thing

The ONE thing. I am not sure exactly what that means but in the movie City Slickers “Curly” says the secret to life is just ONE thing. Sounds simple enough. Until he explains that the ONE thing is up to us to figure out. What my ONE thing is will be different than what yours is. How do we figure out what it is?

Before we brainstorm a little I want to say thank you to the people leaving comments and sharing ideas. They are great. In fact this blog is based on ideas from the comments. I can’t tell you how exciting that is for me. We actually have a brainstorming session going!

What exactly is the secret to being happy? Can you even define happiness? Lots of money? A big house? Nice cars? Nice clothes? A perfect sculpted body (Earned or store bought)? The right friends? Popularity? Fame? An impressive title at work? Something you hope to accomplish someday soon?

What about desires that less outwardly expressed? Like simplicity? A nice walk after work around the neighborhood holding hands with your soul-mate? A pond out in the back of the yard with a little waterfall that you listen to while you weed the garden you planted? A hobby that just gets you excited. A good book. Monday Night Football with a nice fire going (a personal favorite). How about laying in the dark talking to your soul-mate about nothing in particular…in only a whisper. (Ya I love that idea)

We often times let the world tell us how we should measure happiness. Its usually very wrong and only helps to make us more unhappy. And for goodness sake nobody should be reading romance novels and fantasizing about the life those people seem to have. The books are fiction. Make believe. Not reality or even close to it.

I think it is safe to say that happiness is a choice and not a goal. It is a result of the decisions we make on a daily basis. I cant remember the movie but I remember the actor saying I wake up each morning and decide I will be happy. Lets face it. 95% of the things in our life that make us unhappy are preventable or fixable. Inaction is the biggest reason we are not happy. Failure to recognize a problem and take honest steps toward a resolution.

The goal should be to find a way to be truly happy. Now. Not when we win the lotto or our ship comes in. Not when the sun and moon and stars are all in perfect alignment for us. Now. And let me just say right now that Dr. Dobson happiness is not good enough. If you are settling for that then I wish you all the best. This blog is not for you.

HEARTWORK: Examine your life and measure your happiness. Figure out what in the world is standing between you and happiness and take action. Wake up tomorrow and decide to smile. Decide to have a good positive attitude. Decide to recognize solutions and not focus on the problems.

And then share your ideas with us. Brainstorminglife@yahoo.com

The Man In The Mirror

I have been talking to someone very important to me about life. Work, kids, home, dreams, wants, needs, you name it. One thing that has become a more visible component of our talks is how I view the world. I was sitting here this morning brainstorming my feelings on life and wow it just hit me like a ton of bricks. I no longer like the man I see in the mirror.

For almost my entire life I have been proud of who I am. The person I was deep down. When nobody was looking I was still me. And Grandma was proud. I was a man I wanted my children to grow to be like. Positive. The glass was more than half full and if it wasnt enough I could figure out how to get it filled to the rim.

Lately though it seems like too many waves are crashing on me and I cant stand against them. I don't know when it started but I see a short temper. I feel tired of the fight that I didn't pick. The fight I don't need and certainly don't want. I don't think I am the aggressor but I clearly am overly defensive when the old me would have smiled and walked away. I am not who I was. Grandma would smile and love me but she would not like what she sees.

How did this happen to me? When? What in the world am I thinking when I let the things that truly are NOT important to me just knock me off my feet and upset who I am? At the end of the day are these things of any value? Did I put all I had into a losing argument just to be upset and bitter? Worse yet, how much life and love am I missing out on because I let these things control me?

Is Susan Powder in the house?? Remember her? Her message was simple. STOP THE INSANITY. Take a measure of yourself and stop all the things that are undoing who you are. Make decisions based on fact and value, not on knee-jerk reactionary impulses that hurt our image far more than winning a meaningless fight would help it. In the end winning the fight will cost us the war. Because those we love the most will not want to be around us. They wont want to be involved with the man or woman it made us. And when we lose that, we lose everything.

Let me tell you it is not easy sitting alone and saying to yourself "wow, you really have changed. I don't like who we have become" Being that honest with yourself is hard. We want to justify everything. Its this reason, and that. And if this wasn't going on...please. Stop the insanity. Dig down and find your core. Decide to rebuild. Start being the person you remember you were. Start being the person you once loved. The person you were proud of.

HEARTWORK: Brainstorm the person you project to the world. If you were on the outside looking in, would you want to be this persons friend? Lover? Soul mate? If you answered no then get out the scalpel and start cutting out the parts you don't like. Get back to being the person you respected. Get back to being the person you wanted your sons or daughters to be. Get back to being the person others loved and wanted to be around. Be him again. Be her again.

BrainstormingLife@yahoo.com

Is Home Where the Heart is?

I have been really thinking about what I want to write this time. I have 4 topics I am currently working on but none of them are tugging at me too much so I spent a little time trying to figure out what was going on in my heart and mind. I analyzed all the data I have about my life and did a little processing. Something in that whole thing jumped out at me and I wanted to see what others thought.

Home. The place we are supposed to run to and escape the chaos of the world. A safe house in the war on life. A place where you feel loved and respected and care for and appreciated. Needed. Wanted. Desired even. A place that warms you up as you drive away from work. Where all those cares and concerns are supposed to magically melt away as you cross the threshold. The place where your lover is waiting for with a smile and a hug and a kiss.

What do you do when all the things you want to escape from are waiting for you at home? Petty bickering and anxiety and stress are all waiting there. Looming over the house like a dark cloud. You want to sneak in and get down the hall before they see you. You want to change with the door locked and hide in the room just a little while longer before you have to face them. You know you find words of kindness or compassion. You are going to hear about all the things you don’t do right. All the things you forgot to do. And the things you did and should not have. You are going to get a dish plate of sorrow, maybe a second helping just for good measure.

How do you handle it? Do you find the strength to persevere? Do you figure out how to deploy the Ducks Back defense? (That’s where you ignore everything and let it roll off you like water on a ducks back) Do you take the plate and tell yourself you deserve it? Its just deserts for you? Your lot in life. Do you stand up for yourself and say “Hey I am good partner and I am giving my all here so be nice to me”

What does it say about our relationship when we wake up in the morning looking forward to getting to work? Do you rush in the morning to get out of the house and free from them so you can breath? So you can get to work and feel appreciated? Loved? Do you love the feeling it gives you when colleagues say they have a problem and they come to you for help? For ideas? For solutions? Ya I sure do. Funny thing is that the smile I get lasts only as long as it takes for me to remember that I can’t figure out how solve my relationship problems. I can seem to answer everyone’s questions but my own. I can see solutions for everyone except for me.

Lunch is so pleasant. Friendly faces in your crowd. Laughing. Joking. Smiles. Flirting. Teasing. Encouragement. Stories about your kids. Sharing ideas you have for your garden or a vacation. Complaining that you cant get that last 5 pounds off and you are running out of energy for the gym! You know in your heart of hearts you want this for your life. You want this with him or her in a few short hours when you get home. You may even find yourself drifting off into a dream, a bite in your mouth still, picturing how it should be. And asking yourself why it isn’t.

Brainstorming question: How do you recapture the feeling that home is where the heart is? Can you identify the place and time when you notice you were losing that? Can you find a way to look back and say this and that happened and if I could change it here is what I think would happen? Does your partner know how you feel?

HEARTWORK: Ask yourself what changes do you need to make for yourself to have that happen? What changes do you need your partner to make? Can you make a list of things that are on your heart and sit down with them and say here is how I feel and WHY I feel this way…Can we work on this?

Your thoughts? brainstorminglife@yahoo.com

Communication and the City

I can't believe it has been a month since I posted. Time gets away when you are not paying attention. Then you stop, look back, and realize how far the world has moved since you last took a measure of your life. You know, that is how life is. One day we are going to wake up and YEARS will have disappeared without a trace. With little if anything to show. Well...if you are not careful.

OK I said I wanted to talk about communication in this post and while I have a number of topics really pressing on me I do want to take some time and talk about this. As you can see from the title I did in fact see the movie Sex and the City. And I am getting a lot of inspiration from the relationship that Carrie and John (AKA Big) have. If you watch the movie you are almost certainly going to think they have a great relationship up until he stands her up at the alter. I beg to differ. And that is what I want to brainstorm.

Carrie and Big are in the kitchen of his apartment and they are making dinner and having a rather normal conversation. Nothing heavy duty, but they are talking. Earlier in the day (If I recall correctly) Big had made an offer on a spectacular apartment for them to live in together. A big step for them both. Carrie remarks that she is concerned about the idea because they are not married and she has no legal standing. Big kinda hints that he didn't know she felt that way about being married and she comments that she didn't think marriage was an option. STOP RIGHT THERE.

This woman has serious concerns about the direction her life is taking with this man and she doesn't think she can talk to him about it?? She hasn't brought it up or felt she even could. Why is that? Why does she feel she cant talk about one of the most important issues on her heart with the man she is in love with? What is it about their relationship that has her hiding the desires of her heart? What is it about our relationships that have us hiding the desires or our hearts? Why are the most important feelings and thoughts and emotions that we carry around in us hidden and unshared with our partner? When I think about a soul mate I think about a person that I can take ANYTHING to and say here this is, what do you think? Anything less just doesn't work for me. Sadly, I live with much less than that.

I also was wondering as I watched Carrie talking why in the world had Big not seen what she was going through? She had a look on her face that clearly said she was troubled. But he never asks her. He doesn't dig in and try to find the source of her dismay. He is more than happy to keep things just a bit more than superficial, without putting in the effort. And some people think Big and Carrie are a great love? If that is a big love kill me now. Who wants a partner that doesn't pick up your body language? A partner that doesn't hear all the things that your silence is screaming? A partner who has no clue there are unspoken words between you?

We know communication is a multi-faceted idea. There is talking, listening, looking, hearing, understanding, caring, and the list goes on. What do you do when you are talking to your partner and you know there is more they need to talk about but they can't find a way to do it? Like Carrie and marriage. She couldn't figure out how to tell Big she needed that. Are there things you see in your partner that you can't or won't help them explore? Why is that? Is there more on your own heart that you can't bring yourself to share? Again I ask why? Would you say you are honest with your partner?

Somewhere in my mind I want to believe that Big knew Carrie had something unspoken, and he ignored it. Why? I often feel that way. I don't understand body language that is clearly trying to tell me something and I don't care to find out what. And that bothers me. I listen to everything being said to me and I try to analyze as fast as possible, so the things I say are as relevant as possible. But what about the times I revisit a conversation and realize there was more there that I missed?

As Big and Carrie's wedding got closer you could see that it was now Big that had a serious issue he needed to talk about. But he hid it. He ignored it. He let the wedding get out of hand (from 75 guests to over 200) and from simplicity to crazy complexity. He was in a panic. And he couldn't tell her. His worst fears about marriage were weighing down on him and he struggled to resist the urge to deal with them. Now to his credit he did make a last minute effort. But come on sometimes late is not better than never. The longer he held back telling her the worse it got. The longer we hold back telling our partners what is going on in our hearts the worse it is on us. Think about it. We carry that around, weighing down on us, alone. And we look at our partner and think that they should be helping us with our burdens and they are not, and we sometimes get mad at them for that. But is it their fault?

I think I am going to need a part 2 to this post. I have a lot more on my about communication and I am not going to get it done today. I will leave you with an idea. How would you rate the communication in your relationship? How would your partner rate it?

HEART WORK: Examine your heart. Ask yourself if the things you desire, the thoughts you have, your emotions, your dreams, your ideas, does your partner know them? If not ask yourself why. Then flip the coin and ask if you know your partners. And if not, why? And here is a different idea for you. While you are trying to figure out how to share yours, put some serious efforts into trying to figure out how to get them to share theirs. Maybe if you help them tear down a wall, a flood will follow. And who knows where that will take you. Good places I would imagine.

Email BrainStormingLife@yahoo.com.

Until next time...

Involvement

I have been talking to various people lately and I see two common themes that keep a relationship from living up to its full potential. Involvement and communication. I want to brainstorm them individually so we get as much time as we need for each one. This time we will cover involvement, next time communication. I decided to go with involvement first because I think it’s the easiest to work on if you really want to make the effort to strengthen your relationship.

I was recently on a plane flying across the country and I got lucky enough to sit next to an elderly lady on her way to visit her daughter, her grandchildren, and her great grandchildren. She started talking as soon as I sat down and you know I couldn’t refuse a good conversation. She was so excited about her trip. She makes it every year as soon as it starts to warm up. It’s a chance to get out and stretch her legs, see the beautiful Carolina landscapes, and soak up some family time. She asked me if I like to travel. I said oh yes I sure do. She said she LOVES it. She had a dream of buying a motor home and going to every state she could and see as much of the country as possible when she retired. It was a dream. I told that was a great dream and she should do it!!

The problem she was having is that her husband doesn’t want to do it. He hates to travel. She then started to talk about how she was in this club and that club and she had this hobby and that hobby. But she did them all alone. She waited for him to retire to do things with him and he has no desire to do them. She said he was a good man. And she did love him and she respected him. But she wished he would get involved in her life. That was her only regret she says...that she had a partner that wasn’t interested in the life she was interested in.

That brings us to the brainstorming part. Do we wake up one day and realize our partner’s are not really interested in us or do we see it happening gradually over time? When the relationship starts to get stale, or is flat out dying, why do they sit on the sidelines completely oblivious to the signs and symptoms? Do they realize what it would mean to us to go out into the backyard with us and just sit there while we do a hobby like gardening. How about a stroll around the mall just because we want one?

OK Maybe the real question I am asking is do they not see how little things mean so much to us? You know it’s not a big diamond ring or a new car that endears us to our lovers. It's all the things they do that are undeniably from the heart. I read a letter today that a guy wrote to a relationship counselor. He was talking about how he felt things had become so routine, and how the things that should be special (like love making) seemed to be in fast-forward mode to get it over with as fast as possible. He said he would like for her to touch him as they pass in the hall. Or to let him somehow know she still finds him sexy. How does the relationship go from make-out sessions that left your lips puffy to a routine that you both wish were just over as fast as possible? How do you go from being locked together all time to space so far between you that you can’t see the other side? Another item I read this week dealt with the loneliness that is a loveless relationship. I wonder if the little things in life, the time spent with them doing something they enjoy, is glue that keeps the hearts connected.

Have you ever felt like you live with this person and they don’t even know who you are?If you read the 5 Love Languages book I recommended then you know Quality Time and Acts of Service are love languages we speak to our partners. When we do them, we put love in their tanks. When we complain about doing them, we open the valve and let the good stuff run out. One last question and I ask this with a big fat smile on my face. When you have a treasure in your life, how in the world do you not find every excuse possible to spend time with that person? I close my eyes and I dream of what it would be like to come home at night and ask her what she wants to do. I wouldn’t care what she said so long as I got to do it with her.

HEART WORK: Ask yourself if there are ways you could spend time with your partner that would really make them happy. Are there little things you used to do that you could start doing again? Would it be so bad to go out of your way to let them know how you feel about them? And please, take the time to read the book. Seriously. If you want to fall in love again read the book. I strongly believe that love is not a reactionary emotion, it’s a proactive action. Love is what we do far more than what we feel. You want more from your partner love him/her? With actions. Read the book. http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/

If you have your own ideas or stories lets hear them. BrainstormingLife@yahoo.com

Only in the movies?

I saw “Made Of Honor” the other day. I thought it was a really good movie and it really touched my heart. Tom and Hannah, the main characters, are best friends. They do everything together. They play games. They talk and listen and they know what the other is thinking. They have that connection that we have talked about here since the beginning. Best of all it was so natural. So unscripted. So effortless. It just flowed from the heart and it could not be faked or denied. It was wonderful to watch them interact with each other because you could see that deep heartfelt connection that is the foundation for the best of loves. I watched the movie and I saw so much in their relationship that I have dreamed about. Things I am jealous of. Things that made my heart say PLEASE I WANT THAT TOO!

Tom orders Starbucks for Hannah. One of those crazy formulas that only a Starbuck-aholic has any idea what is being said when it’s ordered. He remembers what she likes to the tiniest detail. He orders lunch for the two of them, and he makes sure he gets the things she loves most. They go to a bakery to get a desert, a random desert, and they are playing a guessing game on which desert will scratch the itch that day. They eat off each others plate (that was so great) It is very clear that they are absolutely the best of friends.

So I am watching and I am wondering…what is wrong with this man? Doesn’t he see?! Does he have a clue what he has in the woman that sits across from him? How is he missing the obvious fact that this is his soul mate? How could he be so blind? Is it blindness or is it apathy? Do we just take for granted that these treasures will always remain ours? Tom clearly thought Hannah would always be there for him. He was taking what he had for granted.

I did a lookup of that phrase “take for granted.” I got back interesting words. Assume. Undervalue. The opposite meaning is “appreciate.” Tom didn’t appreciate the gift he had.

Not until it was walking out the door.

WHY? Why did she have to be leaving for him to see what was walking away? I just don’t understand how people can be so blind, or so clueless, to what is sitting right there staring them in the eyes. Did he choose not to see it for fear he would have to give up the lifestyle he had? Yes in part because that idea was debated by tom and the guys on the basketball court. I almost came out of the chair to scream YOU FOOL! WHAT ARE YOU THINKING??!?!

There is a very interesting part of the movie where Tom decides to try some of the things he loves most about his relationship with Hannah on the girls he is dating. Nothing worked. Is it any wonder why? None of the girls got it. They didn’t see the neat little games he was trying to play with them. There wasn’t that exchange of emotion or love or understanding. I guess he could have taken a moment to say “When I do this, you are supposed to do that” But what fun is there in that? Who wants to force it to happen? He didn’t have to explain the rules to Hannah, because her heart already knew them. Without being told. How does that happen?

Oh ya we are supposed to be brainstorming. Actually I asked a lot of questions already so let’s get down to business.

HEART WORK: Ask yourself “What am I looking for?” What are you missing? Seriously. If you could order off an ala-carte relationship menu what items are on the menu that you can’t live without? Is what we want only found in the movies? Take an honest moment and evaluate what your heart is begging for.

Think about it.

Ingredients

An interesting idea came to me today. Soul mate is a term we toss around alot. If you read my post on the idea you saw that we only began to scratch the surface of the whole idea of a soul mate and how we find them and if they are only a myth. I brain stormed a list of "ingredients" I think are more detailed than the first post and are fundamental to what it takes to be a soul mate. I hope you send me your ideas on what it takes so we can add them to the list.

Communication
When I think about communication I am not referring to the exchange of words. I mean really cutting through the crap and getting to the heart of matters. When there is something on your mind can you go to your mate and say hey lets talk I have this on my heart...and get them to engage in a honest discussion that leaves you feeling like they heard me? Are you afraid to speak your heart and mind? Do you feel its a waste of time? Does sharing your feelings cause more grief than just holding it in? Or do you have an open-door policy that says you can go to them and talk about anything, anytime, for any reason?

Play
People do things together all the time. I see couples at the casino sitting side by side and they look like they both have tooth aches. Or you see them out in the mall walking and he is just miserable and she is bored. Doing things together does not mean you are having fun. It doesnt even mean you did them "together" It just means you were both in the same place at the same time doing the same thing. I want to know if you are having fun with them? Do you look forward to going out with them? Do they make you laugh? Do you think they are a blast? Ever sit around and think back and giggle about something that happened while you were with them and think "ya I love being with him/her?" Do you have things you do as a couple? Anything? Bowling? Co-ed softball? Thursday nights taking line-dancing lessons? Do you laugh....

Conversation
Not communication. I mean just simply talking. We all look at that couple in the restaurant staring blankly into space and you dont remember either sharing a word. Who wants that??? I know couples that every time you look at them they are "whisper whisper" talking about who knows what. Ya I love that. I want to leave home in the morning after chit-chatting with her and need to call her on the road to work because I have more things to talk to her about. Just exchanging ideas. Telling each other stories about growing up, and dreams you have, and ideas, and things you wonder about, places you want to go. Ever ask her to pick a topic and choose the opposite side of the debate just to push your thinking? Or is there a lot of silence iterupted by a moment where someone passes quick information to you...and back to silence? I want someone who has something happen to her (good or bad) and I am the one she wants to call and say "guess what?"

Sex
Yep. Sex. Not just ya that was good, or ya I had an orgasm or two, but the kind that warms your heart up as well. Someone that doesn't want anyone else for any reason. Someone that knows you are not Brad Pitt but she loves getting naked with you anyway because it goes well beyond physical time together. Can you tell your lover "hey I want to try this?" Or hey ever think about this? Can you tell them that sex lately is a little routine and they respond with a ya I know lets step it up? Or do they get upset and complain about work and the kids and the bills? Does your lover make you feel like they are just unbelievably happy that you are willing to get naked with them? Do they find ways to explore and encourage and try new ideas? Are they open to your needs? Do you see eye to eye on how to define good sex? After all, good sex is a relative idea and what may be good for me isnt good for you. Do they see that and work to please you?

Core Values
What I am getting at here are your fundamental principals that guide you. Do you both feel the same way about getting too much change back from a clerk at a store? (I return it, do you?) Do you share the same ideas on alcohol? Smoking? Porn? Church? Do you have the same work ethic? Does your mate feel the same way you do about white lies? What about issues that are less central to character like picking up after yourself? Is your mate a neat person like you or a slob like you? Or somewhere in a happy middle ground? Do you place the same level of value on family time? Another way of looking at this is ask yourself if you respect the underlying person your mate is? Do you admire their character? Are you proud of WHO they are inside, and when nobody is watching?

OK I have more area I could go on with but I kinda want to see what other people think. I picked 5 ingredients I consider absolute must-haves. The others I have are more of what I would call "nice to have" but not required.

HEARTWORK: Make a list for yourself that outlines what you think your soul mate should be made up of. Don't think. WRITE. Put it on paper. Or email a list to yourself if you don't want anyone to stumble across it. However you do it, make it real by recording it somewhere other than your brain (and heart of course!)

Email your list to me if you so desire. I would love to expand this list with lots of ideas. Then people who don't know for sure can look at our comprehensive list and say Yes I need this, and I need that, naw that's not a deal-breaker, oh yes I want this quality... You get the point.

Bye for now.

The rear view mirror

Silly idea I know. Its just not possible. If it were I dont think any of us would have a life that looked remotely like the one we have now. Hind sights twenty-twenty. Arm-chair quarterback. Whatever the term its easy to say "would have, could have, should have"

Rather than crying over spilt milk and missed oportunities lets see how we can make better decisions in the future by brain storming decisions of the past. How is that possible is the first thing that came to your mind right? Easy. History repeats itself. Especially mistakes! So if we can be honest with ourselves about decisions from the past then we can use them as a guide for making better decisionsgoing forward.

Lets brain storm the decisions we made.

Take a look at where you are in life now. A good honest look. Now trace backwards and see if you can spot the decisions that ultimatelyshaped your life. The decision to buy a car. A house. Change jobs. Have a child. Get married. Date him or her. I dont think its too hard to analyze them in hind sight and see where we made poor choices. The question is WHY? WHY did you change jobs? WHY did you marry that person? WHY did you do what you did? Did you agree to something on the spur of the moment knowing it felt wrong but didnt want to go against the grain? Go along to get along? Were you afraid that in that moment that was the best offer you would have? Did you think it was once in a lifetime? Or were you just too indifferent to honestly evaluate the decision?

If you are like me you did it because it was easier than standing up for OURSELVES. When I realized I should not get married I had a panic attack. Oh My God. I should not get married. How can I stop this? How can I do whats best for me and not hurt her? She wont understand that I am not ready. And may never be. My friends will be very disappointed. The mentors in my life will be disappointed. This woman is not my soul mate. Not my best friend. Not the one I turn to when I need a shoulder. Not the one I seek out advice from. Not the one I bounce ideas of and certainly not the one I feel free to share my deepest secrets with.

You know what decisions you regret, so why did we make them? Did you see the signs? Do you see them now looking back? Were things clear at the time and you just ignored them hoping they would go away? Did you justify things to youself saying oh its not really that bad? Did you think they would get better? Or did you just not see them? Isnt it funny (in a sad way) how easy it is to say we saw this, and that, and the other, and we did it anyway. We knew in our heart of hearts it was a mistake. But it was easier to endure than stand up for ourselves.

What about decisions we dont make. We are miserable at our job but we stay for reasons that are almost always not our own. Our spouse would be upset if we changed jobs. The bedroom is just depressing, but I cant figure out how to brighten it up and besides she picked the color and the pictures and it would make her mad if I asked for a change. We ALWAYS get pizza at that place and I dont like it why cant I just insist on switching places one time for ME?

Could that be it? Maybe? We dont want to make things about us. We dont want to appear selfish. Or worse. Needy.

We have the feeling inside that if someone needs to be hurt it should be us. We have built up a tolerance for the emotional pain and figure we can take it. Its easier to endure the pain in silence than deal with someone else. We tuck it away and hold onto it.

Do you regret not dating someone because of what others would think? Do you regret not apologizing because pride wouldnt let you? Do you regret letting that ONE, the one you hoped for all your life, turn and walk away without putting up a fight for them? Can you see where things were good and started to go bad while you stood idle, not doing anything to stop it?

How does all this help us with the future? Will we take the lessons learned and try to avoid repeating history? Maybe understanding why we did what we did will give us courage to expect more next time. We are worth it after all.

HEART WORK: Be serious about your rear-view analysis. Step back in time from where you are NOW to where you think things started to get out of control. What decisions did you avoid? Write them down. What decisions did you make that put you last? Write them down. Forgive yourself for the decisions you made. Forgive yourself for the decisions you refused to make.

Are you happy?

I think we could brainstorm this topic for a lifetime and not settle on a clear definition. Your idea of happiness may be nothing like my idea, and hers may not match either of ours. His will be different than all of ours. You get the point.

But before we get off on a hundred tangents (ya that does tend to happen in a good brainstorming session) let's try and keep this germane to our current topic, that being relationships. We want to see just how and why a relationship works and can actually be considered happy.

Now let’s talk about the idea of being happy in our relationship. Is it possible to actually be deep down happy? Can we find fulfillment and personal satisfaction from the person we share our lives with? Is the idea of genuine happiness a myth? Or farse? A lie told to us by society to help trick us into believing we are happy? Certainly everyone who stays together is happy right?

You tell me. Are you happy? If you are happy is it because you have the 3 components working for you? That means you must be IN LOVE with your soul mate. How did you find that person and when did you realize you found him/her?

I remember sitting at lunch with a very good friend. He and his wife seemed to have a fantastic relationship. I was actually very jealous because they just had everything going for them. He told me that he could not imagine life being any better for him than it was at that moment. Again the flood of jealousy was washing over me because I knew he was speaking from the heart about how he felt. I knew he found what I was looking for. But HOW?

Do you think a couple achieves happiness by enduring tough times? That would depend on the tough times I am guessing. Nobody should expect to find a perfect person and have a perfect relationship. There will be tough times. Yes, you WILL fight. How you handle those times will determine the strength of the relationship after the dust has settled. Did you find resolution? Did you actually sit down and have an open and honest discussion about why you were fighting? Did both sides listen and try to see the situation from the others point of view? If someone was wrong, did they acknowledge the mistake and indicate they would work to correct it and not repeat it?

What about the idea that a couple learns to endure conflict but never really work to resolve the core issue? Are they happy? There is a theory offered by Dr. James Dobson, a good man who really works hard to help families stay strong and raise good children. He says that if a couple can stick it out, stay together through bad times, then they will eventually work toward a state of happiness.

I spent a lot of time brain storming that theory and I think the premise is entirely wrong. Just because two people are together and they have figured out how to not have conflict (FIGHT!) does NOT mean they are happy. It just means they have figured out how to numb themselves to the fact that they are not in love. They have found a formula for existing. They certainly are not loving or living.

Don’t you think that two people who have a truly open line of communication and a true willingness to resolve problems between them are the couples that find true happiness? Yes I certainly do. I believe that for a couple to be truly happy the communication channel must be open and honest. Anything less just does’nt measure up.

I want to keep going on this topic, but I would rather hear your thoughts.

HEART WORK: Brain storm you level of happiness and send it to me. Let’s see what people have to say. Are you genuinely happy? Are you miserable? Have you achieved Dr Dobson happiness and is it good enough for you?

Sex and Making Love

Hello again.

We have taken quick looks at the idea of a soul mate and the difference between love and being in love. I personally don’t think we have scratched the surface on either of these ideas but I want to keep pressing on. I want to bring more ideas into the discussion to see what the possibilities are because the more we brain storm these topics of the heart the more we might learn about ourselves. The more we will see. The more we may understand. That is ultimately my goal here in this whole brain-storming blog, to try and make sense of a life I feel makes no sense. Clear away the confusion and have the clouds blow away.

This time let’s look at the difference between having sex and making love. Why go here? It is the final piece to our puzzle. Part 1 we talked about our souls. Part 2 was about our hearts. This will be about our bodies. Some people say body mind and spirit but you get the idea. I think for the relationship to be at its absolute best you need all 3 components working seamlessly together. Confession: For me, anything less than that is missing out on life.

OK. Let’s brain storm.

Isn’t making love what we are doing when we are having sex? Isn’t sex with our partner considered making love? Are they not our lover? The one we give ourselves to? The one we bear all and share all with? Certainly it’s making love because we said “let’s make love” and we had sex. Our partners think we are making love. So we are. Right?

How can it just be sex if I had an orgasm or two? What if it was a really good orgasm? Can it be just sex if I really like it? Doesn’t all that mean its love making? I mean come on it is rocking my world and I can’t wait for more!

NO. Sex is the physical component of love making. Any two people can have sex. And it can be good. Great even. But that doesn’t mean they made love. Not in my book. If there isn’t a deep emotion or spiritual connection with your partner then I don’t care how passionate or romantic or wonderful the session was, if was just good sex.

Now don’t get me wrong I love good sex. But I am not simply looking for good sex. Are you? If you plan to be a regular reader of this blog then I believe you want more. As a brain-stormer, we know that good enough just isn’t good enough. We want it all and I think we would all agree that love making does in fact require a deep connection between both people.

Making love is not a process or an event or an encounter. It’s a physical expression of a powerful combination of love, devotion, passion, adoration, affection, and respect. It cannot be manufactured. It is the undeniable result of a genuinely loving relationship.

Can love making be a quickie? Yes it can. Can it be a warm caress passing in the hall way. Oh ya. What about a soft kiss while you hold her face? You bet. How about cuddling on the couch while watching a movie or a tv show? I think yes. It is also holding hands. It is talking to each other (not making noise but really talking). Sending hot text messages. Massages. Tickles. Kissing…no not pecks. KISSING like you were dating still.

Life is short. Don’t cheat yourself. Find your soul mate. Fall in love. Spend your life making love with that person. In 50 years from now look back on your life and smile. Don’t look back with regrets.

HEART WORK: We began brain-storming the 3 pieces that make us who we are. Soul, Heart, Body. What I want you to do is write each one down and see if you can identify 3 honest things in each category that tell you where you stand. Is he/she your soul mate? Why? What are 3 things that tell you that? If not, what is missing? If you have more add them to the list. Figure out where you are in your relationship and see if you have ideas for fixing it.

Any ideas or thoughts or questions you have feel free to email me. I will put them together into a posting and we can brain-storm them together.

Love and Being In Love

Hello again. I am glad you stopped in for another round of brain storming. Last entry we explored the idea of a soul mate. What I want to do in this entry is take a step deeper into the idea of a soul mate specifically in the area of love.

How many of us have been asked the ageless question “Do you still love me?” I am sure you are quick to answer the expected “Yes of course I do.” Ever wonder why they ask and why we answer yes? I have and I think it is because they are voicing a feeling of disconnect with us, and are hoping our response will bring them some comfort and reaffirm their value to us. We say yes because lets face it, it’s true. We do love them.

The problem is we gave an honest answer to the letter of the question that was asked. We did not answer honestly to the spirit of the question. Why? Because we cannot bring ourselves to tell them no, we are not in love with them. We can’t hurt them that way because that is not who we are. What we do instead is tell them yes and try to justify our existing in a loveless relationship.

How can you love them and be in a loveless relationship? If you are like me love is not enough. It doesn’t get the job done. I don’t need simple love. I need to be IN LOVE. We love our moms. We love our sons and our daughters. We love a good football game. We love our friends and our pets. But we are not in love with them. Being In Love is worlds apart from loving someone.

Being “In Love” consumes you. It grabs hold of you and holds on for dear life. It talks to you with every breath you take. You wake up and you immediately want to see her. You want to hear her voice. See her smile. You want to reach over and touch her face (and if you are like me you want to touch her ears). You want to play games with her and listen to her talk about her dreams. You want to know the deepest feelings and emotions she has.

If you love her, she takes energy from you as you do the things you must to sustain the relationship. You put your efforts into treading water with her. Maintaining the status quo is all you can work yourself up for, any more just seems like too much effort. You are not too excited about the things she is excited about, but you do them because you feel obligated. And let’s be honest: that is a shame because love should not be an obligation.

If you are in love with her, she gives you energy to do things for her to grow the relationship. Life is not about existing with her. It’s about living with her. It’s about the adventure of life in love and what the day holds and what might be waiting around the next corner. Being in love is a pleasure for your heart and soul.

I think if you have to stop and ponder the difference then you are not in love. If you wonder which best describes you then you are not in love. The a big question here for those who are brainstorming with is this: Is it possible to fall in love with him/her again? Is falling in love a normal progression for a relationship where two people are happy to be together or does it take a certain special chemistry? I said before I am not sure a soul mate can be created in someone just because you want it or they want it. I also think falling in love is completely beyond our control. What do you think?

HEART WORK: Sit down alone. Ask yourself if you are in love with them. Ask yourself if you ever were. If the answer is no then here is the biggest question we should brain storm: Is loving them enough or do you need to be in love…

Breaking Ground

I have been toying with the idea of a blog for a while now. There is so much on my mind. So much to say. So many wild and crazy ideas that need exploring. Brainstorming. Analyzing. Processing. Honest evaluation. My only problem is WHERE to begin and how to approach all that I have bottled up inside.

That is probably why I called my first entry Breaking Ground. It forces me to acknowledge that I can do this if I so choose. And as of this moment I so choose. I see no reason to delay it any longer.

Lets get started. Keep in mind that this blog will bounce around a LOT! That is because it is a brainstorming blog. And I am going to follow ideas for a while and switch gears to chase down other ideas. Your comments and ideas are welcome. Send them to BrainstormingLife@yahoo.com

Soul mates. Yes. I know. A VERY serious topic to begin with. But hey why wait? Lets go for the serious stuff right away rather than beating around the proverbial bush for months. I want to explore several ideas over the next few weeks.

OK lets brainstorm! Do soul mates exist? Can they exist? Where are they? How do you find? Or do they find you? Can you create one out of nothing or is there something that must exist for it to happen?

Is a soul mate created when two people fundamentally agree on a core set of ideas and principals? Are they seeds we plant in each others heart and then grow and nurture? If this is a possibility then we must agree that any two people could be soul mates. That there is nothing stopping them from being such other than effort and/or desire. A little work by both parties and BAM. Soul mate city? Relationship bliss?

I am not so sure it works like that because if it did I think there would be a lot more fulfilling marriages in this world. I think most of us step up to the alter with nothing but hope and promise in our hearts, ready to face the world with our most important ally in life, our spouse. So what goes wrong? Where did the soul mate rift begin? Or did it just never start in the first place? Simply agreeing to a promise of love and sharing an address doesn’t mean you planted the seed. You don’t drive home from the honeymoon, step inside, and expect the seed has sprouted.

No. I think that is just not possible. Both people need to be on the same page. They need to both WANT the other to be their soul mate. Both people need to plant their own seed and nurture and grow that seed. It is not enough for one to do it. And one person cannot plant and nurture for two people. Clearly it is an individual choice. And herein lays the problem I think 99% of all marriages face. One person is there, tending the seed, happy in the thought that they have a soul mate, and they cannot figure out why in the world the other person isn’t doing the same thing. WHY in the world doesn’t he/she water the seed in my heart??? Is there something wrong with me? Have I done something that makes them not want to water it? Do they think they dont need to water it that planting it was good enough? Or was it good enough to simply say "I do" and move in?

I don’t think anyone would argue that placing the ring on a finger constitutes planting a seed. I think the seed should have been planted long before you got that far into the relationship. But hey, ANY place along the line is better than no place in my book.

HEART WORK: I am coining a new phrase. You heard it here first! Heart work is home work for the heart. I think everyone should read "Five Love Languages" by Dr. Gary Chapman. This book will teach you how to water the seed in your soul mates heart. When you read this book do it with a twist on things. What I mean is...don’t just read it to figure out your partners love languages, read it and try to identify yours. There is a little test that helps you figure yours out...but that’s not good enough. See what else could be done to fill your tank. Figure out how to make it easier for your tank to be full. You will understand that comment if you read the book.

OK enough for the first entry.