The rear view mirror

Silly idea I know. Its just not possible. If it were I dont think any of us would have a life that looked remotely like the one we have now. Hind sights twenty-twenty. Arm-chair quarterback. Whatever the term its easy to say "would have, could have, should have"

Rather than crying over spilt milk and missed oportunities lets see how we can make better decisions in the future by brain storming decisions of the past. How is that possible is the first thing that came to your mind right? Easy. History repeats itself. Especially mistakes! So if we can be honest with ourselves about decisions from the past then we can use them as a guide for making better decisionsgoing forward.

Lets brain storm the decisions we made.

Take a look at where you are in life now. A good honest look. Now trace backwards and see if you can spot the decisions that ultimatelyshaped your life. The decision to buy a car. A house. Change jobs. Have a child. Get married. Date him or her. I dont think its too hard to analyze them in hind sight and see where we made poor choices. The question is WHY? WHY did you change jobs? WHY did you marry that person? WHY did you do what you did? Did you agree to something on the spur of the moment knowing it felt wrong but didnt want to go against the grain? Go along to get along? Were you afraid that in that moment that was the best offer you would have? Did you think it was once in a lifetime? Or were you just too indifferent to honestly evaluate the decision?

If you are like me you did it because it was easier than standing up for OURSELVES. When I realized I should not get married I had a panic attack. Oh My God. I should not get married. How can I stop this? How can I do whats best for me and not hurt her? She wont understand that I am not ready. And may never be. My friends will be very disappointed. The mentors in my life will be disappointed. This woman is not my soul mate. Not my best friend. Not the one I turn to when I need a shoulder. Not the one I seek out advice from. Not the one I bounce ideas of and certainly not the one I feel free to share my deepest secrets with.

You know what decisions you regret, so why did we make them? Did you see the signs? Do you see them now looking back? Were things clear at the time and you just ignored them hoping they would go away? Did you justify things to youself saying oh its not really that bad? Did you think they would get better? Or did you just not see them? Isnt it funny (in a sad way) how easy it is to say we saw this, and that, and the other, and we did it anyway. We knew in our heart of hearts it was a mistake. But it was easier to endure than stand up for ourselves.

What about decisions we dont make. We are miserable at our job but we stay for reasons that are almost always not our own. Our spouse would be upset if we changed jobs. The bedroom is just depressing, but I cant figure out how to brighten it up and besides she picked the color and the pictures and it would make her mad if I asked for a change. We ALWAYS get pizza at that place and I dont like it why cant I just insist on switching places one time for ME?

Could that be it? Maybe? We dont want to make things about us. We dont want to appear selfish. Or worse. Needy.

We have the feeling inside that if someone needs to be hurt it should be us. We have built up a tolerance for the emotional pain and figure we can take it. Its easier to endure the pain in silence than deal with someone else. We tuck it away and hold onto it.

Do you regret not dating someone because of what others would think? Do you regret not apologizing because pride wouldnt let you? Do you regret letting that ONE, the one you hoped for all your life, turn and walk away without putting up a fight for them? Can you see where things were good and started to go bad while you stood idle, not doing anything to stop it?

How does all this help us with the future? Will we take the lessons learned and try to avoid repeating history? Maybe understanding why we did what we did will give us courage to expect more next time. We are worth it after all.

HEART WORK: Be serious about your rear-view analysis. Step back in time from where you are NOW to where you think things started to get out of control. What decisions did you avoid? Write them down. What decisions did you make that put you last? Write them down. Forgive yourself for the decisions you made. Forgive yourself for the decisions you refused to make.