Communication and the City

I can't believe it has been a month since I posted. Time gets away when you are not paying attention. Then you stop, look back, and realize how far the world has moved since you last took a measure of your life. You know, that is how life is. One day we are going to wake up and YEARS will have disappeared without a trace. With little if anything to show. Well...if you are not careful.

OK I said I wanted to talk about communication in this post and while I have a number of topics really pressing on me I do want to take some time and talk about this. As you can see from the title I did in fact see the movie Sex and the City. And I am getting a lot of inspiration from the relationship that Carrie and John (AKA Big) have. If you watch the movie you are almost certainly going to think they have a great relationship up until he stands her up at the alter. I beg to differ. And that is what I want to brainstorm.

Carrie and Big are in the kitchen of his apartment and they are making dinner and having a rather normal conversation. Nothing heavy duty, but they are talking. Earlier in the day (If I recall correctly) Big had made an offer on a spectacular apartment for them to live in together. A big step for them both. Carrie remarks that she is concerned about the idea because they are not married and she has no legal standing. Big kinda hints that he didn't know she felt that way about being married and she comments that she didn't think marriage was an option. STOP RIGHT THERE.

This woman has serious concerns about the direction her life is taking with this man and she doesn't think she can talk to him about it?? She hasn't brought it up or felt she even could. Why is that? Why does she feel she cant talk about one of the most important issues on her heart with the man she is in love with? What is it about their relationship that has her hiding the desires of her heart? What is it about our relationships that have us hiding the desires or our hearts? Why are the most important feelings and thoughts and emotions that we carry around in us hidden and unshared with our partner? When I think about a soul mate I think about a person that I can take ANYTHING to and say here this is, what do you think? Anything less just doesn't work for me. Sadly, I live with much less than that.

I also was wondering as I watched Carrie talking why in the world had Big not seen what she was going through? She had a look on her face that clearly said she was troubled. But he never asks her. He doesn't dig in and try to find the source of her dismay. He is more than happy to keep things just a bit more than superficial, without putting in the effort. And some people think Big and Carrie are a great love? If that is a big love kill me now. Who wants a partner that doesn't pick up your body language? A partner that doesn't hear all the things that your silence is screaming? A partner who has no clue there are unspoken words between you?

We know communication is a multi-faceted idea. There is talking, listening, looking, hearing, understanding, caring, and the list goes on. What do you do when you are talking to your partner and you know there is more they need to talk about but they can't find a way to do it? Like Carrie and marriage. She couldn't figure out how to tell Big she needed that. Are there things you see in your partner that you can't or won't help them explore? Why is that? Is there more on your own heart that you can't bring yourself to share? Again I ask why? Would you say you are honest with your partner?

Somewhere in my mind I want to believe that Big knew Carrie had something unspoken, and he ignored it. Why? I often feel that way. I don't understand body language that is clearly trying to tell me something and I don't care to find out what. And that bothers me. I listen to everything being said to me and I try to analyze as fast as possible, so the things I say are as relevant as possible. But what about the times I revisit a conversation and realize there was more there that I missed?

As Big and Carrie's wedding got closer you could see that it was now Big that had a serious issue he needed to talk about. But he hid it. He ignored it. He let the wedding get out of hand (from 75 guests to over 200) and from simplicity to crazy complexity. He was in a panic. And he couldn't tell her. His worst fears about marriage were weighing down on him and he struggled to resist the urge to deal with them. Now to his credit he did make a last minute effort. But come on sometimes late is not better than never. The longer he held back telling her the worse it got. The longer we hold back telling our partners what is going on in our hearts the worse it is on us. Think about it. We carry that around, weighing down on us, alone. And we look at our partner and think that they should be helping us with our burdens and they are not, and we sometimes get mad at them for that. But is it their fault?

I think I am going to need a part 2 to this post. I have a lot more on my about communication and I am not going to get it done today. I will leave you with an idea. How would you rate the communication in your relationship? How would your partner rate it?

HEART WORK: Examine your heart. Ask yourself if the things you desire, the thoughts you have, your emotions, your dreams, your ideas, does your partner know them? If not ask yourself why. Then flip the coin and ask if you know your partners. And if not, why? And here is a different idea for you. While you are trying to figure out how to share yours, put some serious efforts into trying to figure out how to get them to share theirs. Maybe if you help them tear down a wall, a flood will follow. And who knows where that will take you. Good places I would imagine.

Email BrainStormingLife@yahoo.com.

Until next time...