I can't believe it has been a month since I posted. Time gets away when you are not paying attention. Then you stop, look back, and realize how far the world has moved since you last took a measure of your life. You know, that is how life is. One day we are going to wake up and YEARS will have disappeared without a trace. With little if anything to show. Well...if you are not careful.
OK I said I wanted to talk about communication in this post and while I have a number of topics really pressing on me I do want to take some time and talk about this. As you can see from the title I did in fact see the movie Sex and the City. And I am getting a lot of inspiration from the relationship that Carrie and John (AKA Big) have. If you watch the movie you are almost certainly going to think they have a great relationship up until he stands her up at the alter. I beg to differ. And that is what I want to brainstorm.
Carrie and Big are in the kitchen of his apartment and they are making dinner and having a rather normal conversation. Nothing heavy duty, but they are talking. Earlier in the day (If I recall correctly) Big had made an offer on a spectacular apartment for them to live in together. A big step for them both. Carrie remarks that she is concerned about the idea because they are not married and she has no legal standing. Big kinda hints that he didn't know she felt that way about being married and she comments that she didn't think marriage was an option. STOP RIGHT THERE.
This woman has serious concerns about the direction her life is taking with this man and she doesn't think she can talk to him about it?? She hasn't brought it up or felt she even could. Why is that? Why does she feel she cant talk about one of the most important issues on her heart with the man she is in love with? What is it about their relationship that has her hiding the desires of her heart? What is it about our relationships that have us hiding the desires or our hearts? Why are the most important feelings and thoughts and emotions that we carry around in us hidden and unshared with our partner? When I think about a soul mate I think about a person that I can take ANYTHING to and say here this is, what do you think? Anything less just doesn't work for me. Sadly, I live with much less than that.
I also was wondering as I watched Carrie talking why in the world had Big not seen what she was going through? She had a look on her face that clearly said she was troubled. But he never asks her. He doesn't dig in and try to find the source of her dismay. He is more than happy to keep things just a bit more than superficial, without putting in the effort. And some people think Big and Carrie are a great love? If that is a big love kill me now. Who wants a partner that doesn't pick up your body language? A partner that doesn't hear all the things that your silence is screaming? A partner who has no clue there are unspoken words between you?
We know communication is a multi-faceted idea. There is talking, listening, looking, hearing, understanding, caring, and the list goes on. What do you do when you are talking to your partner and you know there is more they need to talk about but they can't find a way to do it? Like Carrie and marriage. She couldn't figure out how to tell Big she needed that. Are there things you see in your partner that you can't or won't help them explore? Why is that? Is there more on your own heart that you can't bring yourself to share? Again I ask why? Would you say you are honest with your partner?
Somewhere in my mind I want to believe that Big knew Carrie had something unspoken, and he ignored it. Why? I often feel that way. I don't understand body language that is clearly trying to tell me something and I don't care to find out what. And that bothers me. I listen to everything being said to me and I try to analyze as fast as possible, so the things I say are as relevant as possible. But what about the times I revisit a conversation and realize there was more there that I missed?
As Big and Carrie's wedding got closer you could see that it was now Big that had a serious issue he needed to talk about. But he hid it. He ignored it. He let the wedding get out of hand (from 75 guests to over 200) and from simplicity to crazy complexity. He was in a panic. And he couldn't tell her. His worst fears about marriage were weighing down on him and he struggled to resist the urge to deal with them. Now to his credit he did make a last minute effort. But come on sometimes late is not better than never. The longer he held back telling her the worse it got. The longer we hold back telling our partners what is going on in our hearts the worse it is on us. Think about it. We carry that around, weighing down on us, alone. And we look at our partner and think that they should be helping us with our burdens and they are not, and we sometimes get mad at them for that. But is it their fault?
I think I am going to need a part 2 to this post. I have a lot more on my about communication and I am not going to get it done today. I will leave you with an idea. How would you rate the communication in your relationship? How would your partner rate it?
HEART WORK: Examine your heart. Ask yourself if the things you desire, the thoughts you have, your emotions, your dreams, your ideas, does your partner know them? If not ask yourself why. Then flip the coin and ask if you know your partners. And if not, why? And here is a different idea for you. While you are trying to figure out how to share yours, put some serious efforts into trying to figure out how to get them to share theirs. Maybe if you help them tear down a wall, a flood will follow. And who knows where that will take you. Good places I would imagine.
Email BrainStormingLife@yahoo.com.
Until next time...
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Friday, June 27, 2008
Involvement
I have been talking to various people lately and I see two common themes that keep a relationship from living up to its full potential. Involvement and communication. I want to brainstorm them individually so we get as much time as we need for each one. This time we will cover involvement, next time communication. I decided to go with involvement first because I think it’s the easiest to work on if you really want to make the effort to strengthen your relationship.
I was recently on a plane flying across the country and I got lucky enough to sit next to an elderly lady on her way to visit her daughter, her grandchildren, and her great grandchildren. She started talking as soon as I sat down and you know I couldn’t refuse a good conversation. She was so excited about her trip. She makes it every year as soon as it starts to warm up. It’s a chance to get out and stretch her legs, see the beautiful Carolina landscapes, and soak up some family time. She asked me if I like to travel. I said oh yes I sure do. She said she LOVES it. She had a dream of buying a motor home and going to every state she could and see as much of the country as possible when she retired. It was a dream. I told that was a great dream and she should do it!!
The problem she was having is that her husband doesn’t want to do it. He hates to travel. She then started to talk about how she was in this club and that club and she had this hobby and that hobby. But she did them all alone. She waited for him to retire to do things with him and he has no desire to do them. She said he was a good man. And she did love him and she respected him. But she wished he would get involved in her life. That was her only regret she says...that she had a partner that wasn’t interested in the life she was interested in.
That brings us to the brainstorming part. Do we wake up one day and realize our partner’s are not really interested in us or do we see it happening gradually over time? When the relationship starts to get stale, or is flat out dying, why do they sit on the sidelines completely oblivious to the signs and symptoms? Do they realize what it would mean to us to go out into the backyard with us and just sit there while we do a hobby like gardening. How about a stroll around the mall just because we want one?
OK Maybe the real question I am asking is do they not see how little things mean so much to us? You know it’s not a big diamond ring or a new car that endears us to our lovers. It's all the things they do that are undeniably from the heart. I read a letter today that a guy wrote to a relationship counselor. He was talking about how he felt things had become so routine, and how the things that should be special (like love making) seemed to be in fast-forward mode to get it over with as fast as possible. He said he would like for her to touch him as they pass in the hall. Or to let him somehow know she still finds him sexy. How does the relationship go from make-out sessions that left your lips puffy to a routine that you both wish were just over as fast as possible? How do you go from being locked together all time to space so far between you that you can’t see the other side? Another item I read this week dealt with the loneliness that is a loveless relationship. I wonder if the little things in life, the time spent with them doing something they enjoy, is glue that keeps the hearts connected.
Have you ever felt like you live with this person and they don’t even know who you are?If you read the 5 Love Languages book I recommended then you know Quality Time and Acts of Service are love languages we speak to our partners. When we do them, we put love in their tanks. When we complain about doing them, we open the valve and let the good stuff run out. One last question and I ask this with a big fat smile on my face. When you have a treasure in your life, how in the world do you not find every excuse possible to spend time with that person? I close my eyes and I dream of what it would be like to come home at night and ask her what she wants to do. I wouldn’t care what she said so long as I got to do it with her.
HEART WORK: Ask yourself if there are ways you could spend time with your partner that would really make them happy. Are there little things you used to do that you could start doing again? Would it be so bad to go out of your way to let them know how you feel about them? And please, take the time to read the book. Seriously. If you want to fall in love again read the book. I strongly believe that love is not a reactionary emotion, it’s a proactive action. Love is what we do far more than what we feel. You want more from your partner love him/her? With actions. Read the book. http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/
If you have your own ideas or stories lets hear them. BrainstormingLife@yahoo.com
I was recently on a plane flying across the country and I got lucky enough to sit next to an elderly lady on her way to visit her daughter, her grandchildren, and her great grandchildren. She started talking as soon as I sat down and you know I couldn’t refuse a good conversation. She was so excited about her trip. She makes it every year as soon as it starts to warm up. It’s a chance to get out and stretch her legs, see the beautiful Carolina landscapes, and soak up some family time. She asked me if I like to travel. I said oh yes I sure do. She said she LOVES it. She had a dream of buying a motor home and going to every state she could and see as much of the country as possible when she retired. It was a dream. I told that was a great dream and she should do it!!
The problem she was having is that her husband doesn’t want to do it. He hates to travel. She then started to talk about how she was in this club and that club and she had this hobby and that hobby. But she did them all alone. She waited for him to retire to do things with him and he has no desire to do them. She said he was a good man. And she did love him and she respected him. But she wished he would get involved in her life. That was her only regret she says...that she had a partner that wasn’t interested in the life she was interested in.
That brings us to the brainstorming part. Do we wake up one day and realize our partner’s are not really interested in us or do we see it happening gradually over time? When the relationship starts to get stale, or is flat out dying, why do they sit on the sidelines completely oblivious to the signs and symptoms? Do they realize what it would mean to us to go out into the backyard with us and just sit there while we do a hobby like gardening. How about a stroll around the mall just because we want one?
OK Maybe the real question I am asking is do they not see how little things mean so much to us? You know it’s not a big diamond ring or a new car that endears us to our lovers. It's all the things they do that are undeniably from the heart. I read a letter today that a guy wrote to a relationship counselor. He was talking about how he felt things had become so routine, and how the things that should be special (like love making) seemed to be in fast-forward mode to get it over with as fast as possible. He said he would like for her to touch him as they pass in the hall. Or to let him somehow know she still finds him sexy. How does the relationship go from make-out sessions that left your lips puffy to a routine that you both wish were just over as fast as possible? How do you go from being locked together all time to space so far between you that you can’t see the other side? Another item I read this week dealt with the loneliness that is a loveless relationship. I wonder if the little things in life, the time spent with them doing something they enjoy, is glue that keeps the hearts connected.
Have you ever felt like you live with this person and they don’t even know who you are?If you read the 5 Love Languages book I recommended then you know Quality Time and Acts of Service are love languages we speak to our partners. When we do them, we put love in their tanks. When we complain about doing them, we open the valve and let the good stuff run out. One last question and I ask this with a big fat smile on my face. When you have a treasure in your life, how in the world do you not find every excuse possible to spend time with that person? I close my eyes and I dream of what it would be like to come home at night and ask her what she wants to do. I wouldn’t care what she said so long as I got to do it with her.
HEART WORK: Ask yourself if there are ways you could spend time with your partner that would really make them happy. Are there little things you used to do that you could start doing again? Would it be so bad to go out of your way to let them know how you feel about them? And please, take the time to read the book. Seriously. If you want to fall in love again read the book. I strongly believe that love is not a reactionary emotion, it’s a proactive action. Love is what we do far more than what we feel. You want more from your partner love him/her? With actions. Read the book. http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/
If you have your own ideas or stories lets hear them. BrainstormingLife@yahoo.com
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Only in the movies?
I saw “Made Of Honor” the other day. I thought it was a really good movie and it really touched my heart. Tom and Hannah, the main characters, are best friends. They do everything together. They play games. They talk and listen and they know what the other is thinking. They have that connection that we have talked about here since the beginning. Best of all it was so natural. So unscripted. So effortless. It just flowed from the heart and it could not be faked or denied. It was wonderful to watch them interact with each other because you could see that deep heartfelt connection that is the foundation for the best of loves. I watched the movie and I saw so much in their relationship that I have dreamed about. Things I am jealous of. Things that made my heart say PLEASE I WANT THAT TOO!
Tom orders Starbucks for Hannah. One of those crazy formulas that only a Starbuck-aholic has any idea what is being said when it’s ordered. He remembers what she likes to the tiniest detail. He orders lunch for the two of them, and he makes sure he gets the things she loves most. They go to a bakery to get a desert, a random desert, and they are playing a guessing game on which desert will scratch the itch that day. They eat off each others plate (that was so great) It is very clear that they are absolutely the best of friends.
So I am watching and I am wondering…what is wrong with this man? Doesn’t he see?! Does he have a clue what he has in the woman that sits across from him? How is he missing the obvious fact that this is his soul mate? How could he be so blind? Is it blindness or is it apathy? Do we just take for granted that these treasures will always remain ours? Tom clearly thought Hannah would always be there for him. He was taking what he had for granted.
I did a lookup of that phrase “take for granted.” I got back interesting words. Assume. Undervalue. The opposite meaning is “appreciate.” Tom didn’t appreciate the gift he had.
Not until it was walking out the door.
WHY? Why did she have to be leaving for him to see what was walking away? I just don’t understand how people can be so blind, or so clueless, to what is sitting right there staring them in the eyes. Did he choose not to see it for fear he would have to give up the lifestyle he had? Yes in part because that idea was debated by tom and the guys on the basketball court. I almost came out of the chair to scream YOU FOOL! WHAT ARE YOU THINKING??!?!
There is a very interesting part of the movie where Tom decides to try some of the things he loves most about his relationship with Hannah on the girls he is dating. Nothing worked. Is it any wonder why? None of the girls got it. They didn’t see the neat little games he was trying to play with them. There wasn’t that exchange of emotion or love or understanding. I guess he could have taken a moment to say “When I do this, you are supposed to do that” But what fun is there in that? Who wants to force it to happen? He didn’t have to explain the rules to Hannah, because her heart already knew them. Without being told. How does that happen?
Oh ya we are supposed to be brainstorming. Actually I asked a lot of questions already so let’s get down to business.
HEART WORK: Ask yourself “What am I looking for?” What are you missing? Seriously. If you could order off an ala-carte relationship menu what items are on the menu that you can’t live without? Is what we want only found in the movies? Take an honest moment and evaluate what your heart is begging for.
Think about it.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Ingredients
An interesting idea came to me today. Soul mate is a term we toss around alot. If you read my post on the idea you saw that we only began to scratch the surface of the whole idea of a soul mate and how we find them and if they are only a myth. I brain stormed a list of "ingredients" I think are more detailed than the first post and are fundamental to what it takes to be a soul mate. I hope you send me your ideas on what it takes so we can add them to the list.
Communication
When I think about communication I am not referring to the exchange of words. I mean really cutting through the crap and getting to the heart of matters. When there is something on your mind can you go to your mate and say hey lets talk I have this on my heart...and get them to engage in a honest discussion that leaves you feeling like they heard me? Are you afraid to speak your heart and mind? Do you feel its a waste of time? Does sharing your feelings cause more grief than just holding it in? Or do you have an open-door policy that says you can go to them and talk about anything, anytime, for any reason?
Play
People do things together all the time. I see couples at the casino sitting side by side and they look like they both have tooth aches. Or you see them out in the mall walking and he is just miserable and she is bored. Doing things together does not mean you are having fun. It doesnt even mean you did them "together" It just means you were both in the same place at the same time doing the same thing. I want to know if you are having fun with them? Do you look forward to going out with them? Do they make you laugh? Do you think they are a blast? Ever sit around and think back and giggle about something that happened while you were with them and think "ya I love being with him/her?" Do you have things you do as a couple? Anything? Bowling? Co-ed softball? Thursday nights taking line-dancing lessons? Do you laugh....
Conversation
Not communication. I mean just simply talking. We all look at that couple in the restaurant staring blankly into space and you dont remember either sharing a word. Who wants that??? I know couples that every time you look at them they are "whisper whisper" talking about who knows what. Ya I love that. I want to leave home in the morning after chit-chatting with her and need to call her on the road to work because I have more things to talk to her about. Just exchanging ideas. Telling each other stories about growing up, and dreams you have, and ideas, and things you wonder about, places you want to go. Ever ask her to pick a topic and choose the opposite side of the debate just to push your thinking? Or is there a lot of silence iterupted by a moment where someone passes quick information to you...and back to silence? I want someone who has something happen to her (good or bad) and I am the one she wants to call and say "guess what?"
Sex
Yep. Sex. Not just ya that was good, or ya I had an orgasm or two, but the kind that warms your heart up as well. Someone that doesn't want anyone else for any reason. Someone that knows you are not Brad Pitt but she loves getting naked with you anyway because it goes well beyond physical time together. Can you tell your lover "hey I want to try this?" Or hey ever think about this? Can you tell them that sex lately is a little routine and they respond with a ya I know lets step it up? Or do they get upset and complain about work and the kids and the bills? Does your lover make you feel like they are just unbelievably happy that you are willing to get naked with them? Do they find ways to explore and encourage and try new ideas? Are they open to your needs? Do you see eye to eye on how to define good sex? After all, good sex is a relative idea and what may be good for me isnt good for you. Do they see that and work to please you?
Core Values
What I am getting at here are your fundamental principals that guide you. Do you both feel the same way about getting too much change back from a clerk at a store? (I return it, do you?) Do you share the same ideas on alcohol? Smoking? Porn? Church? Do you have the same work ethic? Does your mate feel the same way you do about white lies? What about issues that are less central to character like picking up after yourself? Is your mate a neat person like you or a slob like you? Or somewhere in a happy middle ground? Do you place the same level of value on family time? Another way of looking at this is ask yourself if you respect the underlying person your mate is? Do you admire their character? Are you proud of WHO they are inside, and when nobody is watching?
OK I have more area I could go on with but I kinda want to see what other people think. I picked 5 ingredients I consider absolute must-haves. The others I have are more of what I would call "nice to have" but not required.
HEARTWORK: Make a list for yourself that outlines what you think your soul mate should be made up of. Don't think. WRITE. Put it on paper. Or email a list to yourself if you don't want anyone to stumble across it. However you do it, make it real by recording it somewhere other than your brain (and heart of course!)
Email your list to me if you so desire. I would love to expand this list with lots of ideas. Then people who don't know for sure can look at our comprehensive list and say Yes I need this, and I need that, naw that's not a deal-breaker, oh yes I want this quality... You get the point.
Bye for now.
Communication
When I think about communication I am not referring to the exchange of words. I mean really cutting through the crap and getting to the heart of matters. When there is something on your mind can you go to your mate and say hey lets talk I have this on my heart...and get them to engage in a honest discussion that leaves you feeling like they heard me? Are you afraid to speak your heart and mind? Do you feel its a waste of time? Does sharing your feelings cause more grief than just holding it in? Or do you have an open-door policy that says you can go to them and talk about anything, anytime, for any reason?
Play
People do things together all the time. I see couples at the casino sitting side by side and they look like they both have tooth aches. Or you see them out in the mall walking and he is just miserable and she is bored. Doing things together does not mean you are having fun. It doesnt even mean you did them "together" It just means you were both in the same place at the same time doing the same thing. I want to know if you are having fun with them? Do you look forward to going out with them? Do they make you laugh? Do you think they are a blast? Ever sit around and think back and giggle about something that happened while you were with them and think "ya I love being with him/her?" Do you have things you do as a couple? Anything? Bowling? Co-ed softball? Thursday nights taking line-dancing lessons? Do you laugh....
Conversation
Not communication. I mean just simply talking. We all look at that couple in the restaurant staring blankly into space and you dont remember either sharing a word. Who wants that??? I know couples that every time you look at them they are "whisper whisper" talking about who knows what. Ya I love that. I want to leave home in the morning after chit-chatting with her and need to call her on the road to work because I have more things to talk to her about. Just exchanging ideas. Telling each other stories about growing up, and dreams you have, and ideas, and things you wonder about, places you want to go. Ever ask her to pick a topic and choose the opposite side of the debate just to push your thinking? Or is there a lot of silence iterupted by a moment where someone passes quick information to you...and back to silence? I want someone who has something happen to her (good or bad) and I am the one she wants to call and say "guess what?"
Sex
Yep. Sex. Not just ya that was good, or ya I had an orgasm or two, but the kind that warms your heart up as well. Someone that doesn't want anyone else for any reason. Someone that knows you are not Brad Pitt but she loves getting naked with you anyway because it goes well beyond physical time together. Can you tell your lover "hey I want to try this?" Or hey ever think about this? Can you tell them that sex lately is a little routine and they respond with a ya I know lets step it up? Or do they get upset and complain about work and the kids and the bills? Does your lover make you feel like they are just unbelievably happy that you are willing to get naked with them? Do they find ways to explore and encourage and try new ideas? Are they open to your needs? Do you see eye to eye on how to define good sex? After all, good sex is a relative idea and what may be good for me isnt good for you. Do they see that and work to please you?
Core Values
What I am getting at here are your fundamental principals that guide you. Do you both feel the same way about getting too much change back from a clerk at a store? (I return it, do you?) Do you share the same ideas on alcohol? Smoking? Porn? Church? Do you have the same work ethic? Does your mate feel the same way you do about white lies? What about issues that are less central to character like picking up after yourself? Is your mate a neat person like you or a slob like you? Or somewhere in a happy middle ground? Do you place the same level of value on family time? Another way of looking at this is ask yourself if you respect the underlying person your mate is? Do you admire their character? Are you proud of WHO they are inside, and when nobody is watching?
OK I have more area I could go on with but I kinda want to see what other people think. I picked 5 ingredients I consider absolute must-haves. The others I have are more of what I would call "nice to have" but not required.
HEARTWORK: Make a list for yourself that outlines what you think your soul mate should be made up of. Don't think. WRITE. Put it on paper. Or email a list to yourself if you don't want anyone to stumble across it. However you do it, make it real by recording it somewhere other than your brain (and heart of course!)
Email your list to me if you so desire. I would love to expand this list with lots of ideas. Then people who don't know for sure can look at our comprehensive list and say Yes I need this, and I need that, naw that's not a deal-breaker, oh yes I want this quality... You get the point.
Bye for now.
Friday, May 2, 2008
The rear view mirror
Silly idea I know. Its just not possible. If it were I dont think any of us would have a life that looked remotely like the one we have now. Hind sights twenty-twenty. Arm-chair quarterback. Whatever the term its easy to say "would have, could have, should have"
Rather than crying over spilt milk and missed oportunities lets see how we can make better decisions in the future by brain storming decisions of the past. How is that possible is the first thing that came to your mind right? Easy. History repeats itself. Especially mistakes! So if we can be honest with ourselves about decisions from the past then we can use them as a guide for making better decisionsgoing forward.
Lets brain storm the decisions we made.
Take a look at where you are in life now. A good honest look. Now trace backwards and see if you can spot the decisions that ultimatelyshaped your life. The decision to buy a car. A house. Change jobs. Have a child. Get married. Date him or her. I dont think its too hard to analyze them in hind sight and see where we made poor choices. The question is WHY? WHY did you change jobs? WHY did you marry that person? WHY did you do what you did? Did you agree to something on the spur of the moment knowing it felt wrong but didnt want to go against the grain? Go along to get along? Were you afraid that in that moment that was the best offer you would have? Did you think it was once in a lifetime? Or were you just too indifferent to honestly evaluate the decision?
If you are like me you did it because it was easier than standing up for OURSELVES. When I realized I should not get married I had a panic attack. Oh My God. I should not get married. How can I stop this? How can I do whats best for me and not hurt her? She wont understand that I am not ready. And may never be. My friends will be very disappointed. The mentors in my life will be disappointed. This woman is not my soul mate. Not my best friend. Not the one I turn to when I need a shoulder. Not the one I seek out advice from. Not the one I bounce ideas of and certainly not the one I feel free to share my deepest secrets with.
You know what decisions you regret, so why did we make them? Did you see the signs? Do you see them now looking back? Were things clear at the time and you just ignored them hoping they would go away? Did you justify things to youself saying oh its not really that bad? Did you think they would get better? Or did you just not see them? Isnt it funny (in a sad way) how easy it is to say we saw this, and that, and the other, and we did it anyway. We knew in our heart of hearts it was a mistake. But it was easier to endure than stand up for ourselves.
What about decisions we dont make. We are miserable at our job but we stay for reasons that are almost always not our own. Our spouse would be upset if we changed jobs. The bedroom is just depressing, but I cant figure out how to brighten it up and besides she picked the color and the pictures and it would make her mad if I asked for a change. We ALWAYS get pizza at that place and I dont like it why cant I just insist on switching places one time for ME?
Could that be it? Maybe? We dont want to make things about us. We dont want to appear selfish. Or worse. Needy.
We have the feeling inside that if someone needs to be hurt it should be us. We have built up a tolerance for the emotional pain and figure we can take it. Its easier to endure the pain in silence than deal with someone else. We tuck it away and hold onto it.
Do you regret not dating someone because of what others would think? Do you regret not apologizing because pride wouldnt let you? Do you regret letting that ONE, the one you hoped for all your life, turn and walk away without putting up a fight for them? Can you see where things were good and started to go bad while you stood idle, not doing anything to stop it?
How does all this help us with the future? Will we take the lessons learned and try to avoid repeating history? Maybe understanding why we did what we did will give us courage to expect more next time. We are worth it after all.
HEART WORK: Be serious about your rear-view analysis. Step back in time from where you are NOW to where you think things started to get out of control. What decisions did you avoid? Write them down. What decisions did you make that put you last? Write them down. Forgive yourself for the decisions you made. Forgive yourself for the decisions you refused to make.
Rather than crying over spilt milk and missed oportunities lets see how we can make better decisions in the future by brain storming decisions of the past. How is that possible is the first thing that came to your mind right? Easy. History repeats itself. Especially mistakes! So if we can be honest with ourselves about decisions from the past then we can use them as a guide for making better decisionsgoing forward.
Lets brain storm the decisions we made.
Take a look at where you are in life now. A good honest look. Now trace backwards and see if you can spot the decisions that ultimatelyshaped your life. The decision to buy a car. A house. Change jobs. Have a child. Get married. Date him or her. I dont think its too hard to analyze them in hind sight and see where we made poor choices. The question is WHY? WHY did you change jobs? WHY did you marry that person? WHY did you do what you did? Did you agree to something on the spur of the moment knowing it felt wrong but didnt want to go against the grain? Go along to get along? Were you afraid that in that moment that was the best offer you would have? Did you think it was once in a lifetime? Or were you just too indifferent to honestly evaluate the decision?
If you are like me you did it because it was easier than standing up for OURSELVES. When I realized I should not get married I had a panic attack. Oh My God. I should not get married. How can I stop this? How can I do whats best for me and not hurt her? She wont understand that I am not ready. And may never be. My friends will be very disappointed. The mentors in my life will be disappointed. This woman is not my soul mate. Not my best friend. Not the one I turn to when I need a shoulder. Not the one I seek out advice from. Not the one I bounce ideas of and certainly not the one I feel free to share my deepest secrets with.
You know what decisions you regret, so why did we make them? Did you see the signs? Do you see them now looking back? Were things clear at the time and you just ignored them hoping they would go away? Did you justify things to youself saying oh its not really that bad? Did you think they would get better? Or did you just not see them? Isnt it funny (in a sad way) how easy it is to say we saw this, and that, and the other, and we did it anyway. We knew in our heart of hearts it was a mistake. But it was easier to endure than stand up for ourselves.
What about decisions we dont make. We are miserable at our job but we stay for reasons that are almost always not our own. Our spouse would be upset if we changed jobs. The bedroom is just depressing, but I cant figure out how to brighten it up and besides she picked the color and the pictures and it would make her mad if I asked for a change. We ALWAYS get pizza at that place and I dont like it why cant I just insist on switching places one time for ME?
Could that be it? Maybe? We dont want to make things about us. We dont want to appear selfish. Or worse. Needy.
We have the feeling inside that if someone needs to be hurt it should be us. We have built up a tolerance for the emotional pain and figure we can take it. Its easier to endure the pain in silence than deal with someone else. We tuck it away and hold onto it.
Do you regret not dating someone because of what others would think? Do you regret not apologizing because pride wouldnt let you? Do you regret letting that ONE, the one you hoped for all your life, turn and walk away without putting up a fight for them? Can you see where things were good and started to go bad while you stood idle, not doing anything to stop it?
How does all this help us with the future? Will we take the lessons learned and try to avoid repeating history? Maybe understanding why we did what we did will give us courage to expect more next time. We are worth it after all.
HEART WORK: Be serious about your rear-view analysis. Step back in time from where you are NOW to where you think things started to get out of control. What decisions did you avoid? Write them down. What decisions did you make that put you last? Write them down. Forgive yourself for the decisions you made. Forgive yourself for the decisions you refused to make.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Are you happy?
I think we could brainstorm this topic for a lifetime and not settle on a clear definition. Your idea of happiness may be nothing like my idea, and hers may not match either of ours. His will be different than all of ours. You get the point.
But before we get off on a hundred tangents (ya that does tend to happen in a good brainstorming session) let's try and keep this germane to our current topic, that being relationships. We want to see just how and why a relationship works and can actually be considered happy.
Now let’s talk about the idea of being happy in our relationship. Is it possible to actually be deep down happy? Can we find fulfillment and personal satisfaction from the person we share our lives with? Is the idea of genuine happiness a myth? Or farse? A lie told to us by society to help trick us into believing we are happy? Certainly everyone who stays together is happy right?
You tell me. Are you happy? If you are happy is it because you have the 3 components working for you? That means you must be IN LOVE with your soul mate. How did you find that person and when did you realize you found him/her?
I remember sitting at lunch with a very good friend. He and his wife seemed to have a fantastic relationship. I was actually very jealous because they just had everything going for them. He told me that he could not imagine life being any better for him than it was at that moment. Again the flood of jealousy was washing over me because I knew he was speaking from the heart about how he felt. I knew he found what I was looking for. But HOW?
Do you think a couple achieves happiness by enduring tough times? That would depend on the tough times I am guessing. Nobody should expect to find a perfect person and have a perfect relationship. There will be tough times. Yes, you WILL fight. How you handle those times will determine the strength of the relationship after the dust has settled. Did you find resolution? Did you actually sit down and have an open and honest discussion about why you were fighting? Did both sides listen and try to see the situation from the others point of view? If someone was wrong, did they acknowledge the mistake and indicate they would work to correct it and not repeat it?
What about the idea that a couple learns to endure conflict but never really work to resolve the core issue? Are they happy? There is a theory offered by Dr. James Dobson, a good man who really works hard to help families stay strong and raise good children. He says that if a couple can stick it out, stay together through bad times, then they will eventually work toward a state of happiness.
I spent a lot of time brain storming that theory and I think the premise is entirely wrong. Just because two people are together and they have figured out how to not have conflict (FIGHT!) does NOT mean they are happy. It just means they have figured out how to numb themselves to the fact that they are not in love. They have found a formula for existing. They certainly are not loving or living.
Don’t you think that two people who have a truly open line of communication and a true willingness to resolve problems between them are the couples that find true happiness? Yes I certainly do. I believe that for a couple to be truly happy the communication channel must be open and honest. Anything less just does’nt measure up.
I want to keep going on this topic, but I would rather hear your thoughts.
HEART WORK: Brain storm you level of happiness and send it to me. Let’s see what people have to say. Are you genuinely happy? Are you miserable? Have you achieved Dr Dobson happiness and is it good enough for you?
But before we get off on a hundred tangents (ya that does tend to happen in a good brainstorming session) let's try and keep this germane to our current topic, that being relationships. We want to see just how and why a relationship works and can actually be considered happy.
Now let’s talk about the idea of being happy in our relationship. Is it possible to actually be deep down happy? Can we find fulfillment and personal satisfaction from the person we share our lives with? Is the idea of genuine happiness a myth? Or farse? A lie told to us by society to help trick us into believing we are happy? Certainly everyone who stays together is happy right?
You tell me. Are you happy? If you are happy is it because you have the 3 components working for you? That means you must be IN LOVE with your soul mate. How did you find that person and when did you realize you found him/her?
I remember sitting at lunch with a very good friend. He and his wife seemed to have a fantastic relationship. I was actually very jealous because they just had everything going for them. He told me that he could not imagine life being any better for him than it was at that moment. Again the flood of jealousy was washing over me because I knew he was speaking from the heart about how he felt. I knew he found what I was looking for. But HOW?
Do you think a couple achieves happiness by enduring tough times? That would depend on the tough times I am guessing. Nobody should expect to find a perfect person and have a perfect relationship. There will be tough times. Yes, you WILL fight. How you handle those times will determine the strength of the relationship after the dust has settled. Did you find resolution? Did you actually sit down and have an open and honest discussion about why you were fighting? Did both sides listen and try to see the situation from the others point of view? If someone was wrong, did they acknowledge the mistake and indicate they would work to correct it and not repeat it?
What about the idea that a couple learns to endure conflict but never really work to resolve the core issue? Are they happy? There is a theory offered by Dr. James Dobson, a good man who really works hard to help families stay strong and raise good children. He says that if a couple can stick it out, stay together through bad times, then they will eventually work toward a state of happiness.
I spent a lot of time brain storming that theory and I think the premise is entirely wrong. Just because two people are together and they have figured out how to not have conflict (FIGHT!) does NOT mean they are happy. It just means they have figured out how to numb themselves to the fact that they are not in love. They have found a formula for existing. They certainly are not loving or living.
Don’t you think that two people who have a truly open line of communication and a true willingness to resolve problems between them are the couples that find true happiness? Yes I certainly do. I believe that for a couple to be truly happy the communication channel must be open and honest. Anything less just does’nt measure up.
I want to keep going on this topic, but I would rather hear your thoughts.
HEART WORK: Brain storm you level of happiness and send it to me. Let’s see what people have to say. Are you genuinely happy? Are you miserable? Have you achieved Dr Dobson happiness and is it good enough for you?
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Sex and Making Love
Hello again.
We have taken quick looks at the idea of a soul mate and the difference between love and being in love. I personally don’t think we have scratched the surface on either of these ideas but I want to keep pressing on. I want to bring more ideas into the discussion to see what the possibilities are because the more we brain storm these topics of the heart the more we might learn about ourselves. The more we will see. The more we may understand. That is ultimately my goal here in this whole brain-storming blog, to try and make sense of a life I feel makes no sense. Clear away the confusion and have the clouds blow away.
This time let’s look at the difference between having sex and making love. Why go here? It is the final piece to our puzzle. Part 1 we talked about our souls. Part 2 was about our hearts. This will be about our bodies. Some people say body mind and spirit but you get the idea. I think for the relationship to be at its absolute best you need all 3 components working seamlessly together. Confession: For me, anything less than that is missing out on life.
OK. Let’s brain storm.
Isn’t making love what we are doing when we are having sex? Isn’t sex with our partner considered making love? Are they not our lover? The one we give ourselves to? The one we bear all and share all with? Certainly it’s making love because we said “let’s make love” and we had sex. Our partners think we are making love. So we are. Right?
How can it just be sex if I had an orgasm or two? What if it was a really good orgasm? Can it be just sex if I really like it? Doesn’t all that mean its love making? I mean come on it is rocking my world and I can’t wait for more!
NO. Sex is the physical component of love making. Any two people can have sex. And it can be good. Great even. But that doesn’t mean they made love. Not in my book. If there isn’t a deep emotion or spiritual connection with your partner then I don’t care how passionate or romantic or wonderful the session was, if was just good sex.
Now don’t get me wrong I love good sex. But I am not simply looking for good sex. Are you? If you plan to be a regular reader of this blog then I believe you want more. As a brain-stormer, we know that good enough just isn’t good enough. We want it all and I think we would all agree that love making does in fact require a deep connection between both people.
Making love is not a process or an event or an encounter. It’s a physical expression of a powerful combination of love, devotion, passion, adoration, affection, and respect. It cannot be manufactured. It is the undeniable result of a genuinely loving relationship.
Can love making be a quickie? Yes it can. Can it be a warm caress passing in the hall way. Oh ya. What about a soft kiss while you hold her face? You bet. How about cuddling on the couch while watching a movie or a tv show? I think yes. It is also holding hands. It is talking to each other (not making noise but really talking). Sending hot text messages. Massages. Tickles. Kissing…no not pecks. KISSING like you were dating still.
Life is short. Don’t cheat yourself. Find your soul mate. Fall in love. Spend your life making love with that person. In 50 years from now look back on your life and smile. Don’t look back with regrets.
HEART WORK: We began brain-storming the 3 pieces that make us who we are. Soul, Heart, Body. What I want you to do is write each one down and see if you can identify 3 honest things in each category that tell you where you stand. Is he/she your soul mate? Why? What are 3 things that tell you that? If not, what is missing? If you have more add them to the list. Figure out where you are in your relationship and see if you have ideas for fixing it.
Any ideas or thoughts or questions you have feel free to email me. I will put them together into a posting and we can brain-storm them together.
We have taken quick looks at the idea of a soul mate and the difference between love and being in love. I personally don’t think we have scratched the surface on either of these ideas but I want to keep pressing on. I want to bring more ideas into the discussion to see what the possibilities are because the more we brain storm these topics of the heart the more we might learn about ourselves. The more we will see. The more we may understand. That is ultimately my goal here in this whole brain-storming blog, to try and make sense of a life I feel makes no sense. Clear away the confusion and have the clouds blow away.
This time let’s look at the difference between having sex and making love. Why go here? It is the final piece to our puzzle. Part 1 we talked about our souls. Part 2 was about our hearts. This will be about our bodies. Some people say body mind and spirit but you get the idea. I think for the relationship to be at its absolute best you need all 3 components working seamlessly together. Confession: For me, anything less than that is missing out on life.
OK. Let’s brain storm.
Isn’t making love what we are doing when we are having sex? Isn’t sex with our partner considered making love? Are they not our lover? The one we give ourselves to? The one we bear all and share all with? Certainly it’s making love because we said “let’s make love” and we had sex. Our partners think we are making love. So we are. Right?
How can it just be sex if I had an orgasm or two? What if it was a really good orgasm? Can it be just sex if I really like it? Doesn’t all that mean its love making? I mean come on it is rocking my world and I can’t wait for more!
NO. Sex is the physical component of love making. Any two people can have sex. And it can be good. Great even. But that doesn’t mean they made love. Not in my book. If there isn’t a deep emotion or spiritual connection with your partner then I don’t care how passionate or romantic or wonderful the session was, if was just good sex.
Now don’t get me wrong I love good sex. But I am not simply looking for good sex. Are you? If you plan to be a regular reader of this blog then I believe you want more. As a brain-stormer, we know that good enough just isn’t good enough. We want it all and I think we would all agree that love making does in fact require a deep connection between both people.
Making love is not a process or an event or an encounter. It’s a physical expression of a powerful combination of love, devotion, passion, adoration, affection, and respect. It cannot be manufactured. It is the undeniable result of a genuinely loving relationship.
Can love making be a quickie? Yes it can. Can it be a warm caress passing in the hall way. Oh ya. What about a soft kiss while you hold her face? You bet. How about cuddling on the couch while watching a movie or a tv show? I think yes. It is also holding hands. It is talking to each other (not making noise but really talking). Sending hot text messages. Massages. Tickles. Kissing…no not pecks. KISSING like you were dating still.
Life is short. Don’t cheat yourself. Find your soul mate. Fall in love. Spend your life making love with that person. In 50 years from now look back on your life and smile. Don’t look back with regrets.
HEART WORK: We began brain-storming the 3 pieces that make us who we are. Soul, Heart, Body. What I want you to do is write each one down and see if you can identify 3 honest things in each category that tell you where you stand. Is he/she your soul mate? Why? What are 3 things that tell you that? If not, what is missing? If you have more add them to the list. Figure out where you are in your relationship and see if you have ideas for fixing it.
Any ideas or thoughts or questions you have feel free to email me. I will put them together into a posting and we can brain-storm them together.
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