Every man needs a hobby I am told. I have several. One of them is being a reserve deputy sheriff
for the county I live in. I patrol a very
rough section of a very rough city. I do
it because I believe it is my way of giving back to the helpless, scared, weak,
defenseless, innocent people who can't fight for themselves. I have seen some terrifying moments. I have seen some unimaginable heart-breaking
moments. And I have seen more than my
share of things that simply leave me scratching my head.
Last night is one of those times when all three were true.
I was on patrol last night and I was sent to a local high school to
search for a cheerleader that was caught slicing her legs with a razor. Last seen running west from the high school
through the desert. We get the girls
address and show up at her home and find her there. She looks perfectly normal. She is not in her cheerleader outfit. She is in a long-sleeve shirt and yoga
pants. She looks perfectly normal. Healthy.
Smiling.
Unsure why we are all there (Paramedics, Deputies, etc.) She
tells us that she is fine and there is not emergency. She is then asked to
raise her sleeves and show her arms. Her
mother breaks down. Her dad puts his
hand on my shoulder to steady himself.
He asks me "What did she do?"
She is then asked again to show her arms. She starts to cry. She tries to run but is caught by the other
deputies and they let the paramedics check her.
Razor cuts from head to toe. She
is screaming like a girl possessed. Her
dad looks at me with confusion and fear and anger and his eyes are soaked and I
choke back my own tears and block him from the struggle his daughter is in with
the emergency team. I told him "I'm
a dad too. I know what I would be
feeling if it were my child" He nodded and thanked me. I asked him why she does this to
herself. He had no idea. I asked mom.
She was at a loss.
After an intense physical struggle, screaming, cursing,
thrashing, she was placed in handcuffs and put in my car. She was going to see
the doctor so we could get answers. She
would not speak to anyone except to yell, scream, cuss, and threaten.
Alone in my car she began her verbal assault on me. I turned and looked at her through the cage
and I said "Wow, you are such a pretty girl that it kinda bothers me to
hear you speak to me like this. It is
not ok to be mean to yourself, or to me."
She went dead silent.
Blinked. And told me she was not
mean to me or herself. I asked how she could say that with the way she
spoke to me. She said I was one of
"them" meaning the group that cuffed her and put her in my car. I said it was not my fault she was there, she
did this to herself and I was there to help and I did not deserve her speaking
to me like this. From that moment on her
tone with me was calm, cool, collected.
She apologized. I asked her WHY
are you doing this? She is beautiful,
smart (4.0 GPA and a junior in calculus so obviously smart), she is popular,
drives a new car (16 yrs old with a new car), braces, cool clothes, a beautiful
home, everything you could want. So what
is missing?
She told me she never took stock of her life before. She never realized that her life was so good.
She was so busy feeling alone, empty, unhappy, ugly, etc that she never
considered how great her life actually was.
I asked again, why are you so destructive to yourself? She said knew she was not happy, but she did
not know why. She could not explain
it. Cutting herself shifted focus from
the pain in her heart, to the pain in her wounds. It was a distraction she needed to go another
day.
WOW. A stunning moment
of confession and clarity. An epiphany
moment compliments of a lost 16 yr old girl.
How is this germane to our discussion?
Her parents obviously were trying to spoil her. She was a solid student, honor roll, varsity
cheer, all around good kid. What parent
isn’t proud of that and want to see your child spoiled just a bit?
But how does someone who seems to have everything they could
possibly hope for engage in such destructive behavior? How can we be in a relationship
where our partner is obviously giving 100% of his/her effort to make the
relationship a happy, healthy, successful, loving reality, and yet we choose to
engage in destructive behavior. WHY? What is missing that compels someone to
make such bad decisions? Whatever those
decisions may be. WHY? IF your partner is willfully neglectful, or
unintentionally lazy, then why not give them a serious dose of reality and
share with them the things you need from them?
Do you need more hugs? Tell
them. More I love you’s? Tell them.
More help with chores? Tell
them. And if they are clearly giving you
their very best and it is not enough, tell them. They deserve to hear the truth
so they can have a fair chance of fixing things before unless you are not interested
in giving them that chance. If that is
the case they deserve to be set free. I know that her home was not perfect. None are.
But it appears her parents were trying.
Relationships are not perfect, by any stretch of the imagination. And those that look like they have everything in order and are "perfect" have their fair share of flaws, let-downs, pitfalls, and mishaps. Being in a relationship is different than dating. Once there has been a transition from dating to a relationship we have new obligations to each other. We owe them our very best. They deserve our very best. And we deserve theirs. Everyone deserves no less than they are giving. If they are giving us their all, then we owe them our all. Nothing less. And if we can't give that them then we have an obligation to tell them why before we decide to do something
harmful. If for some unfortunate reason
it's too late to, then we owe it to them to explain ourselves.
She said "I don’t know" to the medics. I told her she had no reason to lie to me. That
she could trust me with the truth. And
the truth came out. And when I walked
away from her at the hospital she smiled at me. And she waved.
Some hobby...
