I have never responded to any emails using the blog. I have always responded individually unless
the sender was anonymous. I am going to
respond today because I feel compelled to due to the number of messages I
received after my last post (Dashed Hopes) Thank you all for caring and
reaching out. It was great to see so
many miss my posts and would like me to restart the blog and post on a regular
basis. I just might do that. I have learned so much in the past few years
and I think it would be a big help to us all to share that information.
I got emails from all over the US, Canada, Denmark, Russia,
Australia, Chile, and the UK asking me a ton of questions and telling me
reasons the agree or disagree with me. I
am always shocked to see how many read my humble thoughts, and from so far
away. So here goes…
Giving up. Why? Well I am not surrendering entirely to the
idea of finding a lasting committed love.
I think maybe I need to step back and evaluate what exactly I want and
more importantly what exactly I deserve.
Without doubt I believe everything I have written about and I always
will. I know that it is possible to have
a Notebook love regardless of what the world wants to tell you. (I mean the soulmate love they had…I can do
without all the fighting they did…goodness!)
Sometimes your heart just needs time to reflect and reason. Why did things end up where they did? What did I do wrong? What did I not do right? Where could I have made more impact and done
more to secure my position in the relationship?
Control. OK This is a
sensitive issue for many because nobody wants to be told what to do as though they
are a child. I agree 100%. But when you are in a relationship, a
committed long-term marriage minded relationship, you have a right to expect
certain behaviors from your partner. You
have a right to say something is not ok and must stop. Can you tell your partner that viewing porn
is out of bounds and must stop? I think yes.
Can you tell your partner that smoking marijuana is not acceptable and
must stop? I think yes. Can you tell your partner that listening to
filthy songs is not ok and must stop?
Yes. What about going out with
the boys after work on a regular basis to an unknown drinking location with an
unknown group and coming home drunk? Not
good at all. So why is it not ok to say
you can’t have pictures of old lovers in your phone? Why is it not ok to say that calling/texting
old lovers is not allowed? Because we want
to pick and choose what we want to agree with as being bad for a
relationship? That is crap and I call
CRAP. The societal norm for relationship
behavior is that it is NOT ok to do things that violate your partner’s security,
personal comfort, and worth in a relationship.
Remember that your past relationships have created “soul ties”. Your soul is bound to that other person for
as long as you keep the connection alive.
You do not have 100% to give to your partner as a result of it. You have 100 minus the share you continue to
let your soul ties take from your partner.
Ending soul ties restores your partners share to 100% and it is not only
a societal norm to expect this from your partner, it is biblical. So when your partner tells you that you don’t
have a right to tell them they can’t call their old lover, you can agree and
say you don’t. But God does. He has the right. And He says it is not OK. God has the right and the authority to say
end your soul ties. Get rid of them
before too much damage is done to the relationship you have. Will you trade your future for memories of
your past? We all deserve 100%. 99% is not enough for me.
Remember also that God has placed the man over the
woman. Not to control her. But to protect her. To love her.
Would we as fathers allow our daughters to chat on the internet with a
guy we know is clearly bad for her? I
would hope not. What about adult
daughters? Does the age change our
desire to protect them? I hope not. My pastor made it clear not too long ago that
he requires the passwords for all accounts and phones and checks them to make
sure nothing bad is happening. Is that
controlling? No. It is love.
It is protection. Protecting the
ones we love from predators who want nothing more from them than to use them
for their own satisfaction. Would you
send your adult daughter out the door on that date knowing she is nothing more
than a sexual conquest for the guy she will be with tonight?
Same Page. Sometimes
being on the same page is just not possible.
Not the same page. Not even the
same book. What do you do when you
realize that is the case? As you know I
would advocate finding a solution that is fair and honest and works for both
parties. But when you are far apart on
the core issues you must step back and decide where things should go. If you are married then counseling is a
must. I would vote to do everything in
your power to salvage the marriage. God
is good and He is gracious and will heal and reconcile and repair if you allow
Him to do so. If you are dating then it
might be time to exit the relationship and find someone more like-minded. If you disagree on deal-breaking issues now,
it will only get worse.
Trust and Honesty.
Once violated they are so very hard to re-establish. That is why it is so important to be honest,
transparent, trust-worthy at all times.
More-so when faced with a tough situation that makes being so very
difficult. Would I worry about telling
someone you like their casserole when you really didn’t? No not really. I don’t think it is a relationship issue and
I myself would probably laugh if they told me so. It might hurt someone else’s feelings so I
would not confess myself. I would be
gracious and eat. Would I lie and say I
was at the office all day if I took off to play golf with a friend? No.
Why? Because that lies goes to
integrity and credibility. If you lie
about playing an innocent game of golf what else will you lie about? It creates fear and doubt. Can the bonds of trust be rebuilt? Absolutely.
God forgave us when we didn’t deserve it and died for us on the cross
right? We can also forgive for things
done to us as a result. In fact, we must
according to Jesus. But that involves
honesty and repair for past moments of us being less than truthful. Not easy.
Could be very ugly. But I have
found that more often than not they already know the truth. Or they hope to know it so it can be forgiven
and forgotten.
I think that about covers most of the emails. If you think I missed something you commented
on please feel free to point it out to me and I will address it publicly, or in
a private response like normal.
I started the blog because of the deep dissatisfaction I had
with an unwilling partner. I can see how
good it was for me to put my thoughts to pen (or blog) and share them. I made friends around the world and I do miss
that. I will start writing again. I continue to welcome your ideas and suggestions.
