I think we could brainstorm this topic for a lifetime and not settle on a clear definition. Your idea of happiness may be nothing like my idea, and hers may not match either of ours. His will be different than all of ours. You get the point.
But before we get off on a hundred tangents (ya that does tend to happen in a good brainstorming session) let's try and keep this germane to our current topic, that being relationships. We want to see just how and why a relationship works and can actually be considered happy.
Now let’s talk about the idea of being happy in our relationship. Is it possible to actually be deep down happy? Can we find fulfillment and personal satisfaction from the person we share our lives with? Is the idea of genuine happiness a myth? Or farse? A lie told to us by society to help trick us into believing we are happy? Certainly everyone who stays together is happy right?
You tell me. Are you happy? If you are happy is it because you have the 3 components working for you? That means you must be IN LOVE with your soul mate. How did you find that person and when did you realize you found him/her?
I remember sitting at lunch with a very good friend. He and his wife seemed to have a fantastic relationship. I was actually very jealous because they just had everything going for them. He told me that he could not imagine life being any better for him than it was at that moment. Again the flood of jealousy was washing over me because I knew he was speaking from the heart about how he felt. I knew he found what I was looking for. But HOW?
Do you think a couple achieves happiness by enduring tough times? That would depend on the tough times I am guessing. Nobody should expect to find a perfect person and have a perfect relationship. There will be tough times. Yes, you WILL fight. How you handle those times will determine the strength of the relationship after the dust has settled. Did you find resolution? Did you actually sit down and have an open and honest discussion about why you were fighting? Did both sides listen and try to see the situation from the others point of view? If someone was wrong, did they acknowledge the mistake and indicate they would work to correct it and not repeat it?
What about the idea that a couple learns to endure conflict but never really work to resolve the core issue? Are they happy? There is a theory offered by Dr. James Dobson, a good man who really works hard to help families stay strong and raise good children. He says that if a couple can stick it out, stay together through bad times, then they will eventually work toward a state of happiness.
I spent a lot of time brain storming that theory and I think the premise is entirely wrong. Just because two people are together and they have figured out how to not have conflict (FIGHT!) does NOT mean they are happy. It just means they have figured out how to numb themselves to the fact that they are not in love. They have found a formula for existing. They certainly are not loving or living.
Don’t you think that two people who have a truly open line of communication and a true willingness to resolve problems between them are the couples that find true happiness? Yes I certainly do. I believe that for a couple to be truly happy the communication channel must be open and honest. Anything less just does’nt measure up.
I want to keep going on this topic, but I would rather hear your thoughts.
HEART WORK: Brain storm you level of happiness and send it to me. Let’s see what people have to say. Are you genuinely happy? Are you miserable? Have you achieved Dr Dobson happiness and is it good enough for you?
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Sex and Making Love
Hello again.
We have taken quick looks at the idea of a soul mate and the difference between love and being in love. I personally don’t think we have scratched the surface on either of these ideas but I want to keep pressing on. I want to bring more ideas into the discussion to see what the possibilities are because the more we brain storm these topics of the heart the more we might learn about ourselves. The more we will see. The more we may understand. That is ultimately my goal here in this whole brain-storming blog, to try and make sense of a life I feel makes no sense. Clear away the confusion and have the clouds blow away.
This time let’s look at the difference between having sex and making love. Why go here? It is the final piece to our puzzle. Part 1 we talked about our souls. Part 2 was about our hearts. This will be about our bodies. Some people say body mind and spirit but you get the idea. I think for the relationship to be at its absolute best you need all 3 components working seamlessly together. Confession: For me, anything less than that is missing out on life.
OK. Let’s brain storm.
Isn’t making love what we are doing when we are having sex? Isn’t sex with our partner considered making love? Are they not our lover? The one we give ourselves to? The one we bear all and share all with? Certainly it’s making love because we said “let’s make love” and we had sex. Our partners think we are making love. So we are. Right?
How can it just be sex if I had an orgasm or two? What if it was a really good orgasm? Can it be just sex if I really like it? Doesn’t all that mean its love making? I mean come on it is rocking my world and I can’t wait for more!
NO. Sex is the physical component of love making. Any two people can have sex. And it can be good. Great even. But that doesn’t mean they made love. Not in my book. If there isn’t a deep emotion or spiritual connection with your partner then I don’t care how passionate or romantic or wonderful the session was, if was just good sex.
Now don’t get me wrong I love good sex. But I am not simply looking for good sex. Are you? If you plan to be a regular reader of this blog then I believe you want more. As a brain-stormer, we know that good enough just isn’t good enough. We want it all and I think we would all agree that love making does in fact require a deep connection between both people.
Making love is not a process or an event or an encounter. It’s a physical expression of a powerful combination of love, devotion, passion, adoration, affection, and respect. It cannot be manufactured. It is the undeniable result of a genuinely loving relationship.
Can love making be a quickie? Yes it can. Can it be a warm caress passing in the hall way. Oh ya. What about a soft kiss while you hold her face? You bet. How about cuddling on the couch while watching a movie or a tv show? I think yes. It is also holding hands. It is talking to each other (not making noise but really talking). Sending hot text messages. Massages. Tickles. Kissing…no not pecks. KISSING like you were dating still.
Life is short. Don’t cheat yourself. Find your soul mate. Fall in love. Spend your life making love with that person. In 50 years from now look back on your life and smile. Don’t look back with regrets.
HEART WORK: We began brain-storming the 3 pieces that make us who we are. Soul, Heart, Body. What I want you to do is write each one down and see if you can identify 3 honest things in each category that tell you where you stand. Is he/she your soul mate? Why? What are 3 things that tell you that? If not, what is missing? If you have more add them to the list. Figure out where you are in your relationship and see if you have ideas for fixing it.
Any ideas or thoughts or questions you have feel free to email me. I will put them together into a posting and we can brain-storm them together.
We have taken quick looks at the idea of a soul mate and the difference between love and being in love. I personally don’t think we have scratched the surface on either of these ideas but I want to keep pressing on. I want to bring more ideas into the discussion to see what the possibilities are because the more we brain storm these topics of the heart the more we might learn about ourselves. The more we will see. The more we may understand. That is ultimately my goal here in this whole brain-storming blog, to try and make sense of a life I feel makes no sense. Clear away the confusion and have the clouds blow away.
This time let’s look at the difference between having sex and making love. Why go here? It is the final piece to our puzzle. Part 1 we talked about our souls. Part 2 was about our hearts. This will be about our bodies. Some people say body mind and spirit but you get the idea. I think for the relationship to be at its absolute best you need all 3 components working seamlessly together. Confession: For me, anything less than that is missing out on life.
OK. Let’s brain storm.
Isn’t making love what we are doing when we are having sex? Isn’t sex with our partner considered making love? Are they not our lover? The one we give ourselves to? The one we bear all and share all with? Certainly it’s making love because we said “let’s make love” and we had sex. Our partners think we are making love. So we are. Right?
How can it just be sex if I had an orgasm or two? What if it was a really good orgasm? Can it be just sex if I really like it? Doesn’t all that mean its love making? I mean come on it is rocking my world and I can’t wait for more!
NO. Sex is the physical component of love making. Any two people can have sex. And it can be good. Great even. But that doesn’t mean they made love. Not in my book. If there isn’t a deep emotion or spiritual connection with your partner then I don’t care how passionate or romantic or wonderful the session was, if was just good sex.
Now don’t get me wrong I love good sex. But I am not simply looking for good sex. Are you? If you plan to be a regular reader of this blog then I believe you want more. As a brain-stormer, we know that good enough just isn’t good enough. We want it all and I think we would all agree that love making does in fact require a deep connection between both people.
Making love is not a process or an event or an encounter. It’s a physical expression of a powerful combination of love, devotion, passion, adoration, affection, and respect. It cannot be manufactured. It is the undeniable result of a genuinely loving relationship.
Can love making be a quickie? Yes it can. Can it be a warm caress passing in the hall way. Oh ya. What about a soft kiss while you hold her face? You bet. How about cuddling on the couch while watching a movie or a tv show? I think yes. It is also holding hands. It is talking to each other (not making noise but really talking). Sending hot text messages. Massages. Tickles. Kissing…no not pecks. KISSING like you were dating still.
Life is short. Don’t cheat yourself. Find your soul mate. Fall in love. Spend your life making love with that person. In 50 years from now look back on your life and smile. Don’t look back with regrets.
HEART WORK: We began brain-storming the 3 pieces that make us who we are. Soul, Heart, Body. What I want you to do is write each one down and see if you can identify 3 honest things in each category that tell you where you stand. Is he/she your soul mate? Why? What are 3 things that tell you that? If not, what is missing? If you have more add them to the list. Figure out where you are in your relationship and see if you have ideas for fixing it.
Any ideas or thoughts or questions you have feel free to email me. I will put them together into a posting and we can brain-storm them together.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Love and Being In Love
Hello again. I am glad you stopped in for another round of brain storming. Last entry we explored the idea of a soul mate. What I want to do in this entry is take a step deeper into the idea of a soul mate specifically in the area of love.
How many of us have been asked the ageless question “Do you still love me?” I am sure you are quick to answer the expected “Yes of course I do.” Ever wonder why they ask and why we answer yes? I have and I think it is because they are voicing a feeling of disconnect with us, and are hoping our response will bring them some comfort and reaffirm their value to us. We say yes because lets face it, it’s true. We do love them.
The problem is we gave an honest answer to the letter of the question that was asked. We did not answer honestly to the spirit of the question. Why? Because we cannot bring ourselves to tell them no, we are not in love with them. We can’t hurt them that way because that is not who we are. What we do instead is tell them yes and try to justify our existing in a loveless relationship.
How can you love them and be in a loveless relationship? If you are like me love is not enough. It doesn’t get the job done. I don’t need simple love. I need to be IN LOVE. We love our moms. We love our sons and our daughters. We love a good football game. We love our friends and our pets. But we are not in love with them. Being In Love is worlds apart from loving someone.
Being “In Love” consumes you. It grabs hold of you and holds on for dear life. It talks to you with every breath you take. You wake up and you immediately want to see her. You want to hear her voice. See her smile. You want to reach over and touch her face (and if you are like me you want to touch her ears). You want to play games with her and listen to her talk about her dreams. You want to know the deepest feelings and emotions she has.
If you love her, she takes energy from you as you do the things you must to sustain the relationship. You put your efforts into treading water with her. Maintaining the status quo is all you can work yourself up for, any more just seems like too much effort. You are not too excited about the things she is excited about, but you do them because you feel obligated. And let’s be honest: that is a shame because love should not be an obligation.
If you are in love with her, she gives you energy to do things for her to grow the relationship. Life is not about existing with her. It’s about living with her. It’s about the adventure of life in love and what the day holds and what might be waiting around the next corner. Being in love is a pleasure for your heart and soul.
I think if you have to stop and ponder the difference then you are not in love. If you wonder which best describes you then you are not in love. The a big question here for those who are brainstorming with is this: Is it possible to fall in love with him/her again? Is falling in love a normal progression for a relationship where two people are happy to be together or does it take a certain special chemistry? I said before I am not sure a soul mate can be created in someone just because you want it or they want it. I also think falling in love is completely beyond our control. What do you think?
HEART WORK: Sit down alone. Ask yourself if you are in love with them. Ask yourself if you ever were. If the answer is no then here is the biggest question we should brain storm: Is loving them enough or do you need to be in love…
How many of us have been asked the ageless question “Do you still love me?” I am sure you are quick to answer the expected “Yes of course I do.” Ever wonder why they ask and why we answer yes? I have and I think it is because they are voicing a feeling of disconnect with us, and are hoping our response will bring them some comfort and reaffirm their value to us. We say yes because lets face it, it’s true. We do love them.
The problem is we gave an honest answer to the letter of the question that was asked. We did not answer honestly to the spirit of the question. Why? Because we cannot bring ourselves to tell them no, we are not in love with them. We can’t hurt them that way because that is not who we are. What we do instead is tell them yes and try to justify our existing in a loveless relationship.
How can you love them and be in a loveless relationship? If you are like me love is not enough. It doesn’t get the job done. I don’t need simple love. I need to be IN LOVE. We love our moms. We love our sons and our daughters. We love a good football game. We love our friends and our pets. But we are not in love with them. Being In Love is worlds apart from loving someone.
Being “In Love” consumes you. It grabs hold of you and holds on for dear life. It talks to you with every breath you take. You wake up and you immediately want to see her. You want to hear her voice. See her smile. You want to reach over and touch her face (and if you are like me you want to touch her ears). You want to play games with her and listen to her talk about her dreams. You want to know the deepest feelings and emotions she has.
If you love her, she takes energy from you as you do the things you must to sustain the relationship. You put your efforts into treading water with her. Maintaining the status quo is all you can work yourself up for, any more just seems like too much effort. You are not too excited about the things she is excited about, but you do them because you feel obligated. And let’s be honest: that is a shame because love should not be an obligation.
If you are in love with her, she gives you energy to do things for her to grow the relationship. Life is not about existing with her. It’s about living with her. It’s about the adventure of life in love and what the day holds and what might be waiting around the next corner. Being in love is a pleasure for your heart and soul.
I think if you have to stop and ponder the difference then you are not in love. If you wonder which best describes you then you are not in love. The a big question here for those who are brainstorming with is this: Is it possible to fall in love with him/her again? Is falling in love a normal progression for a relationship where two people are happy to be together or does it take a certain special chemistry? I said before I am not sure a soul mate can be created in someone just because you want it or they want it. I also think falling in love is completely beyond our control. What do you think?
HEART WORK: Sit down alone. Ask yourself if you are in love with them. Ask yourself if you ever were. If the answer is no then here is the biggest question we should brain storm: Is loving them enough or do you need to be in love…
Friday, April 11, 2008
Breaking Ground
I have been toying with the idea of a blog for a while now. There is so much on my mind. So much to say. So many wild and crazy ideas that need exploring. Brainstorming. Analyzing. Processing. Honest evaluation. My only problem is WHERE to begin and how to approach all that I have bottled up inside.
That is probably why I called my first entry Breaking Ground. It forces me to acknowledge that I can do this if I so choose. And as of this moment I so choose. I see no reason to delay it any longer.
Lets get started. Keep in mind that this blog will bounce around a LOT! That is because it is a brainstorming blog. And I am going to follow ideas for a while and switch gears to chase down other ideas. Your comments and ideas are welcome. Send them to BrainstormingLife@yahoo.com
Soul mates. Yes. I know. A VERY serious topic to begin with. But hey why wait? Lets go for the serious stuff right away rather than beating around the proverbial bush for months. I want to explore several ideas over the next few weeks.
OK lets brainstorm! Do soul mates exist? Can they exist? Where are they? How do you find? Or do they find you? Can you create one out of nothing or is there something that must exist for it to happen?
Is a soul mate created when two people fundamentally agree on a core set of ideas and principals? Are they seeds we plant in each others heart and then grow and nurture? If this is a possibility then we must agree that any two people could be soul mates. That there is nothing stopping them from being such other than effort and/or desire. A little work by both parties and BAM. Soul mate city? Relationship bliss?
I am not so sure it works like that because if it did I think there would be a lot more fulfilling marriages in this world. I think most of us step up to the alter with nothing but hope and promise in our hearts, ready to face the world with our most important ally in life, our spouse. So what goes wrong? Where did the soul mate rift begin? Or did it just never start in the first place? Simply agreeing to a promise of love and sharing an address doesn’t mean you planted the seed. You don’t drive home from the honeymoon, step inside, and expect the seed has sprouted.
No. I think that is just not possible. Both people need to be on the same page. They need to both WANT the other to be their soul mate. Both people need to plant their own seed and nurture and grow that seed. It is not enough for one to do it. And one person cannot plant and nurture for two people. Clearly it is an individual choice. And herein lays the problem I think 99% of all marriages face. One person is there, tending the seed, happy in the thought that they have a soul mate, and they cannot figure out why in the world the other person isn’t doing the same thing. WHY in the world doesn’t he/she water the seed in my heart??? Is there something wrong with me? Have I done something that makes them not want to water it? Do they think they dont need to water it that planting it was good enough? Or was it good enough to simply say "I do" and move in?
I don’t think anyone would argue that placing the ring on a finger constitutes planting a seed. I think the seed should have been planted long before you got that far into the relationship. But hey, ANY place along the line is better than no place in my book.
HEART WORK: I am coining a new phrase. You heard it here first! Heart work is home work for the heart. I think everyone should read "Five Love Languages" by Dr. Gary Chapman. This book will teach you how to water the seed in your soul mates heart. When you read this book do it with a twist on things. What I mean is...don’t just read it to figure out your partners love languages, read it and try to identify yours. There is a little test that helps you figure yours out...but that’s not good enough. See what else could be done to fill your tank. Figure out how to make it easier for your tank to be full. You will understand that comment if you read the book.
OK enough for the first entry.
That is probably why I called my first entry Breaking Ground. It forces me to acknowledge that I can do this if I so choose. And as of this moment I so choose. I see no reason to delay it any longer.
Lets get started. Keep in mind that this blog will bounce around a LOT! That is because it is a brainstorming blog. And I am going to follow ideas for a while and switch gears to chase down other ideas. Your comments and ideas are welcome. Send them to BrainstormingLife@yahoo.com
Soul mates. Yes. I know. A VERY serious topic to begin with. But hey why wait? Lets go for the serious stuff right away rather than beating around the proverbial bush for months. I want to explore several ideas over the next few weeks.
OK lets brainstorm! Do soul mates exist? Can they exist? Where are they? How do you find? Or do they find you? Can you create one out of nothing or is there something that must exist for it to happen?
Is a soul mate created when two people fundamentally agree on a core set of ideas and principals? Are they seeds we plant in each others heart and then grow and nurture? If this is a possibility then we must agree that any two people could be soul mates. That there is nothing stopping them from being such other than effort and/or desire. A little work by both parties and BAM. Soul mate city? Relationship bliss?
I am not so sure it works like that because if it did I think there would be a lot more fulfilling marriages in this world. I think most of us step up to the alter with nothing but hope and promise in our hearts, ready to face the world with our most important ally in life, our spouse. So what goes wrong? Where did the soul mate rift begin? Or did it just never start in the first place? Simply agreeing to a promise of love and sharing an address doesn’t mean you planted the seed. You don’t drive home from the honeymoon, step inside, and expect the seed has sprouted.
No. I think that is just not possible. Both people need to be on the same page. They need to both WANT the other to be their soul mate. Both people need to plant their own seed and nurture and grow that seed. It is not enough for one to do it. And one person cannot plant and nurture for two people. Clearly it is an individual choice. And herein lays the problem I think 99% of all marriages face. One person is there, tending the seed, happy in the thought that they have a soul mate, and they cannot figure out why in the world the other person isn’t doing the same thing. WHY in the world doesn’t he/she water the seed in my heart??? Is there something wrong with me? Have I done something that makes them not want to water it? Do they think they dont need to water it that planting it was good enough? Or was it good enough to simply say "I do" and move in?
I don’t think anyone would argue that placing the ring on a finger constitutes planting a seed. I think the seed should have been planted long before you got that far into the relationship. But hey, ANY place along the line is better than no place in my book.
HEART WORK: I am coining a new phrase. You heard it here first! Heart work is home work for the heart. I think everyone should read "Five Love Languages" by Dr. Gary Chapman. This book will teach you how to water the seed in your soul mates heart. When you read this book do it with a twist on things. What I mean is...don’t just read it to figure out your partners love languages, read it and try to identify yours. There is a little test that helps you figure yours out...but that’s not good enough. See what else could be done to fill your tank. Figure out how to make it easier for your tank to be full. You will understand that comment if you read the book.
OK enough for the first entry.
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