Are They Worth It?

Relationships. Are they really worth what you put into them? Are they a good return on your investment? Do they pay a high enough dividend? Do they make sense?

I ask this question because of a conversation I was having with a friend at lunch this week. He told me that relationships are for people who don't have the social skills and the ability to take what they want when they want it. Relationships are for people who need to find someone willing to settle for them. Unable to catch what they want and want the easy way out in the dating world.

He said to me "Do you know what I would do this weekend if I were a single man? I would tell a hot chick to pack a bag we are going to San Fransisco. We are staying in a nice hotel, eating nice dinners, drinking good fine, lots of sex, shopping, site-seeing, etc and I will pay for it all" But no. He is married so he cant.

WHY NOT? I ask why he can't call his wife up and make her that offer. She is exactly the kind of girl he would hunt down anyway. He said it is not the same because she is old news.

WOW.

I was so shocked I couldn't finish my lunch. He told me I favor marriage because I lack the self-confidence to target a woman and have my way. That I am somehow weak. Someone who needs a girl who has surrendered her own personal freedoms for financial security.

I say no. Those of us who seek a heartbeat in the darkness for more than a night or two are not weak. We are not incapable or having what we want. We don't lack the killer instincts required to target someone and close the deal as it were. We are the exact opposite of his claims. We KNOW what we want and we pursue what our heart's call to us for. And we do it with fury. With fire. Hoping not to settle for less than we know we deserve. Hoping to find someone who shares the passions for life and love that we do.

He asked me what benefits there were in a long-term relationship. I said what about the ties and bonds and connections we create with each other? With friends? Last night one of my best friend's son graduated from high school. I remember him when he could barely talk. I remember taking him to the races with my sons before he could ride a bike. I remember teaching him how to hit a baseball with his dad. I love that young man like my own son. And he knows it. And his parents, my friends, know it.

I seek a heart in the darkness that wants me. For the man I am. For the sum our individual components add up to. Someone who makes me want to be a better man. And someone that I make want to be a better woman. Being lonely is a horrible thing. Being in love and making it work against all the odds this cruel world throws at you is a glorious thing.

This is a starting point for the next series of posts I want to work on. I would love to hear what you think about the subject.

email me at brainstorminglife@yahoo.com

Resuming...

I quit blogging a little over a year ago for a number of reasons. Maybe those reasons would be good discussion points, we shall see.

Anyway I am going to start again. Believe it or not people in 30 countries were reading the crazy things I was writing. Not a LOT of people, but a fair amount.

I am working on a topic list now. If you have any suggestions please send them to me.

brainstorminglife@yahoo.com

OK OK

I have recently been thinking about how people of all ages seem to put so much effort into trying to do so little. Children, for example, will come up with a million reasons why they were not able to get their chores done after school. And their plate is still on the table after dinner when it is not much effort at all the relocate it to the sink. Or even better how about take the 30 seconds to give it a quick rinse and pop it in the dish washer?

I tell my kids to take their shoes out of the entry and put them in the garage on the shoe shelf, or in their room in the closet. Over and over and over. Nothing. Until I decide that I have had enough of them disrespecting me as the parent and I go and get the belt. All of a sudden the magic starts to happen. They hop up and all the stuff I have been arguing with them over is now getting done. Nobody wants to take a few cracks off the belt that’s for sure so they are motivated and encouraged to cooperate.

But WHY?

At the point where I need to get the belt out I clearly have been pushed well beyond my breaking point. I have endured enough disrespect and ignoring and its time for action. If I let them get away with that then I train them to ignore me until that last dying moment when things get serious. And the only person I will have to blame is myself. Because I taught them behavior.

So how do we prevent that from happening? Simple. Whip them. When you ask for something too many times and are forced to resort to extreme measures to see it happen then you need to follow through with the measures. That is the only way to break them of this habit of taking you for granted. Disobeying. Ignoring. Disrespecting.

Relationships are the same way. Why in the world do we have to be at our wits end with our partner and ready to walk out the door before they realize we are serious about something? When we go to them and tell them we need something to change in the relationship and they ignore us doesn’t that tell us what they really think of us? Then we get to the point where we are packing our bags and oh my they just cant jump fast enough to talk us into changing our minds.

But WHY?

We didn’t seem important enough to them to hear us before. They couldn’t take a moment and try and understand our feelings because they LOVED us. No. They only step up when push comes to shove and they are forced to hear what we have to say or face a goodbye. At that point do we really even care if they hear us? I mean, enough is enough. They wouldn’t hear for love then, why care if they hear now?

“OK OK I will stop doing this unkind thing” “OK OK I will sacrifice and do something you want that makes you happy instead of always doing just what I want” “OK OK I will listen to tell me about your day and share your thoughts and feelings and I will really communicate with you” “OK OK I will treat you like my valued lover and not just someone I have sex with.” “OK OK I will open up and tell you what my hopes and desires and fears are.”

OK OK? Now? But at this point isn’t it too late?

HEARTWORK: Ask yourself this. When you are pushed to that point, and you hear OK OK, what do you do to handle the situation? How do you deal with your kids at that point? Your partner? What do you do when you have had enough and feel like you need a permanent escape?

Tell me. brainstorminglife@yahoo.com

Big Brother and Jordan's Smile

I recently started watch the reality show "Big Brother." It is a pretty interesting show where a group of people come to live in a "house" that is wired everywhere with cameras that record their every move, every word, every action. The idea is that the guests team up and compete in various games for powers that protect their team and help boot the enemies out of the house.

The thing I like most about the show isn’t what we see on the regular TV program. It's what I saw when I watched Big Brother After Dark on Showtime. This is where the cameras were rolling catching all the things happening in the house when the house guests were not competing and recording the TV show. They were just being themselves trying to get along and pass the time. They played games, cooked, argued, sat out by the jacuzzi and pool, played pool, etc. Most formed close bonds with other players for various reasons, mostly preservation.

But there were those that created bonds on an emotional level. Jordan and Jeff are the couple I liked most. They were a great team and you could tell there was some real chemistry. As the show got closer to the final Jeff was removed, leaving Jordan and 2 other guests to fight it out for the win.

One night on After Dark the other 2 quests were playing chess and Jordan was on her bed staring into space. You could see she was deep in thought and from time to time a smile would break out on her face. It would get really big and cheesy, then relax, then big again. She would have a pouty lip, a smile, here eyes would sparkle. It was great to watch because in my mind she was thinking about Jeff. And her heart was smiling as she replayed all the time she had spent with him and what he meant to her.

So I got to brainstorming and I started asking myself a lot of questions about what I saw there. What do I do when I am alone like she was? Do I lay there smiling at memories of a certain person? Do I long for a chance to spend time with her again? Am I thinking about her or the pork tenderloin I barbequed for dinner last night? What is going on in our hearts and minds when we are separated from the ones we are in love with?

The funny part of the whole visual is that one of the other quests, Natalie, often spoke about her boyfriend (and eventual fiance) and how much he meant to her and how much she loved him. She was vocal about the feelings she had for him. She talked about how great he was and how she missed him. Funny thing is that for most of the show she was connected to the hip of the big body builder Jessie and she was in a constant struggle with another guest (Lydia) to Jessie’s attention. She loves her boyfriend but she was clearly into Jessie.

Jordan on the other hand never behaved like Natalie. True she didn’t have a relationship outside the show that she should have protected but even so she doesn’t act like Natalie. Jordan never comes out and expresses feelings for Jeff. She doesn’t fawn over him or behave un-lady like. She actually kept her cool and kept the relationship with Jeff from getting physical. Yet the whole time you know what she is thinking because you can see it in her eyes. The way she looked at him. The way she smiled when he came around. The way she looked when nobody was watching (except me on After Dark!) and she was thinking about him.

I think the difference is clear. One professed love, the other exhibited it. One talked about her love. The other let it show in her eyes and in her smile. One made me roll my eyes and shake my head. The other made me smile and dream a bit.

HEARTWORK: Ask yourself which of the two images better identifies where you are in your relationship. Are you the one professing a hallow love or are you the one smiling and in love? Where do you want to be? Why are you not there? What can you do to move closer toward the side your heart wants to be on?

There is a lot more here. This idea can really be explored and some very interesting perceptions and ideas can be shared. I will be thinking more on this one.

Separate Together

I was on a field trip with my son yesterday and I saw something that made me pause and think. Yes I know many things do that to me but humor me. We were at a nature preserve hiking on the trails and learning about various scientific aspects of nature. We learned about rocks and their formation. We studied trees, plants, insects, and animals in the wild.

While we were walking on a particular trail called “California Trees” I noticed something very strange. These trees were enormous. Not young ones. They had lots of foliage and seemed full and healthy. They had been there a while. No that is not what was strange. What I was bothered by was how they grew in relationship to where they grew.

Follow me on this.

Trees that were alone grew full and round. They had branches popping out on all sides and they had branches that were long and had full foliage on them. This is what we expect to see when we look at a tree. Just like when we pick a Christmas tree we want one well shaped and full all the way around. These lonely trees were just like that.

Now the trees that were growing right next to each other were not full and round and robust. When you stood in the middle and looked directly up you could see there were almost no branches growing inward toward each other. None of any significance. The only strong branches were outside growing away from each other. Now I could see how a person could look at that picture and say “see, they are each doing their part, complimenting the other. Together they are single full tree.”

I say no. They look like they had their backs to each other. They hardly touched. There was no real physical connection. There was almost no intertwining or sense of intimacy. They looked like they were stunted and were only allowed to grow where the other was not interfering. Like two halves of an unconnected puzzle. It was sad to see.

Too often we live like that. Each of us there in the house doing what we know we should do to make things look full and rounded out. Taking up slack and doing our part. Merely existing in close proximity to the other half of our partnership. Not fully involved with each other. Just doing what we need to in order survive. Missing out on so much.

Why is that? Why do we allow that? Why do we sit idly by while our lives roll on with so much less than we deserve from our relationship? Or have we just gotten tired of trying to make that deep heart-felt connection? Or are we tired of being the only one still concerned with the state of the relationship?

HEARTWORK: Brainstorm this idea yourself. Take a look at how your branches are growing. Are they reaching toward your partner in an attempt to grow together or do they grow away from them? Analyze that answer. We will be back to revisit this idea.

brainstorminglife@yahoo.com

A Ring On Her Finger

A couple of nights ago I was at a restaurant having dinner. I was walking back from the restroom and I was stopped by an elderly lady who was in a bit of a panic. Apparently she had taken a ring off her finger and somehow dropped it on the ground near her table. The ring was gold and the floor was brown. The lighting was not great so it added to the problem. She had been searching for it and had given up hope. She said in a nervous voice “I dropped my ring would you please help me find it?” I looked around for a minute and found where it had rolled off to.

I picked it up off the ground and turned to show it to her. She was beaming. She asked me if I would put it back on her finger for her because her hands were shaky. I am not sure if it was from being scared she lost the ring, or if she had another problem. I said I sure would and I held her frail hand and slide the ring on her finger. Again she was beaming at me and she said “I think we are engaged now.” It was very cute and I told her I was the lucky one.

The whole time this was going on her husband sat quietly at the table. He showed no signs of care or concern for how she felt about losing the ring. He didn’t budge while I was looking. He didn’t say thank you when I found it. He didn’t show any sign at all that he was concerned for how she felt. He was a blank slate completely detached and emotionless.

It shouldn’t have shocked me then as I watched them have their meal. They sat there in silence and ate. She looked around at her surroundings and seemed hungry for conversation. He sat there staring off into space slowly chewing food he didn’t seem to enjoy. They hardly spoke a word to each other. I would be willing to bet their home was as silent as a cemetery which would be fitting because clearly the love was dead.

I thought about how sad and lonely those lives were. Where did it end? What happened to send them down separate roads emotionally? Why did he show so little concern for her when doing so would be so effortless and gain him so much good will? Why do we miss opportunities to grow love when they seem so plentiful? Here is something for you to consider. Love is not only an emotion. It’s every bit as much a verb. It’s action. It’s an outward demonstration of how feel inside.

When you actively love your partner you can’t help but build a stronger deeper more meaningful connection to their soul. The Bible says that where a man’s treasure is you will find his heart. I wonder how many of us treasure our partner. Do they have your heart? Don’t wake up one day living separately together. Life is short. Love is so precious.

HEARTWORK: Pick up her ring and put it on her heart. I mean her finger. Take that as you will.

Share your thoughts. brainstorminglife@yahoo.com

Recklessness in Between

I read this phrase in a book the other day and it sent me into a brainstorming session. To understand what the idea is let me put it in context. A guy and a girl are talking about life and about a plan to mix responsibility with a little adventure. They agreed that a couple of times a week they would get together and do the right thing. In this case they mean their homework. But they also had a plan to toss in a little adventure in there as well.

The reason this got me brainstorming is because I could see how easy it is to get stuck in a “do the right thing” pattern. You know what I mean. We get up, shower and get dressed, get the kids ready for school, feed them and get them off to school, drive to work, bust our tails on the job while trying to keep our sanity, drive home, soccer practice, little league practice, laundry, cook dinner, home work, grocery shopping, clean the kitchen, put the kids in bed, drop down in our bed exhausted, REPEAT TOMORROW.

Why? Because it is expected of us. It is responsible and it is right and it is what we do. Without ever realizing it this IS our plan. It is what we know we will do day in and day out for as long as the eye can see into the future. We slip into the routine and before we know years have flown by and we wonder what the heck is becoming of my life?!?!? It’s not hard to see how one thing leads to another and we are bitter, angry, curious, depressed, wandering, bored, upset, or heck any number of other emotions associated with this.

How can we fight this off? What can we do to keep life fun and exciting and have us looking forward to something? A little recklessness in between. Doing something not in the plan. Doing something out of the norm. (Hey it can even be planned) Stepping out and breaking free from the same-old same-olds. Have some adventure.

Easier said than done? Nope. Maybe it’s easier to dismiss and not do it because yes it will take some effort. But I am pretty sure the rewards will be well worth it. How about some ideas. Call your mom on a Tuesday night and ask her to watch the kids. Take them to her if she can’t come stay with them. When your partner gets home tell them to shower up you are taking them to dinner. Then after a nice dinner where you have some adult conversation about things other than work and the kids go find some isolated place to make out. Maybe even indulge in some car sex.

Have you seen the bendy foam binder kit you can get at Spencer? Pick it up at lunch and bring it home. Let your imagination fill in the rest of that idea.

OK how about something not so racy? Join a bowling league together. Have you seen how much fun people have with that? Hanging out with other adults, maybe have a beer or wine (I am a sweet tea kinda guy myself), laughing at each other. Some healthy competition. Blow off some steam. Make new friends. Do something with your partner!

It really doesn’t matter what you do to be reckless in between. It only matters that you do something. You need to find ways to create excitement and anticipation in your relationship that goes beyond the norm. Break the mold. Whatever phrase you gravitate to you get the point.

And for those who subscribe to the 5 Love Languages, this is quality time.

HEARTWORK: Get reckless. Do something unpredictable and outside your comfort zone. Shock your partner with a little creativity. Live a night on the edge. Just one. Just for a start. And see what that does to your relationship. See if it energizes it. Renews some old flame and creates a fresh sense of excitement.

Share your reckless ideas with me and I will post them. I started with 3. What would you add to the list?

brainstorminglife@yahoo.com