Choose Your Battles

I have heard that phrase my whole life and have often wondered how people decide when a fight is worth it and when its time to step back and say “No Thanks.” Some people think winning is so important that they only fight when they know they can win. Others take the position that the underlying issue must be worth fighting for before they venture into the fray. Some people simply say no fight is worth it and take whatever the results of a surrender may be.

Battles. Fighting. Arguments. Whatever you call them they all produce pain. And we as humans do our very best to avoid pain. It’s a basic survival instinct. But what about the times when pain is required to survive? Sometimes when something is wrong we are forced to engage in painful activities in order to fix a problem. Anyone who has ever said “I need to lose a few pounds” and then started an exercise program can relate. It’s not long before your body is scream at you “Stop this crap or I will kill you!” Other events that come to mind are trips to the dentist to fill a cavity. Can you imagine chemotherapy?

When a couple fights it could be bad or good for the relationship depending on the issue and the reason. A fight for the wrong reason will be hurtful, even fatal, to a fragile relationship because by its nature it destroys. A fight for the right reasons will strengthen a relationship because its purpose is to defend, to take a stand and say this is not good for our relationship and I am willing to battle over this.

Fighting because your partner takes the cute receptionist to lunch or brings her coffee in the morning is a good and healthy reason. Fighting because your partner is constantly buying clothes with credit cards and sinking you further and further in debt is a good and healthy reason. Fighting because you feel you are not getting enough quality time and he or she wants more alone time is valid. Fighting because your partner is a slob and it’s putting undue stress on you to play maid for them is good. Or if your partner is into online porn and its ruining your relationship. All Good. You get the idea.

Picking on your partner because they have little things that bug you is not a good reason. It is destructive. Fighting because you use it to control the relationship and be in charge is a horrible reason. Fighting because you don’t want to be inconvenienced by going to your partners family gathering is not good.

In those cases you should take the energy you have to fight and put it to good use strengthening your relationship. Sometimes the right fight is with yourself, sucking it up and enduring something unpleasant for their sake. It is not always easy but then who said fighting for the love of your life would be?

HEARTWORK: Take a look at your heart and ask yourself if you fight to strengthen or if you fight to weaken your relationship. Be honest with yourself. If you are fighting wrong then fix it. If you are defending your relationship then communicate and keep up the good fight.

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