Oxygen

I wanted to get the month off to a good start with a really good post so I was sitting at my desk this morning sipping on some coffee reflecting on what a fiasco the last few weeks seems to have been for me. I fought fire after fire. Everywhere I turned there was drama and chaos and tension. Someone stop this ride and let me off. I need to catch my breath.

I was brainstorming that idea. Air. Catching my breath. Most people equate oxygen with air as though they are one in the same but oxygen makes up only about 20% of the air we breath. Most of the air we breath is nitrogen. So oxygen is really a small component but its so important that we literally could not live without it.

Oxygen is a minor component in another must-have element. Water. What is the make-up of water? A couple of hydrogen molecules and ... Oxygen. And we all know just how important water is in our lives. When scientists look at the solar system for signs of life they are looking for water. Without it there is no life.

OK stick with me. Air and water. Both of these elements have incredible impact on a third element. FIRE. A fire with a good oxygen source will thrive and burn and produce heat and warm you (or burn you) but it lives on a fuel source and oxygen. Water on the other hand will kill a fire if you put enough on it. The same oxygen mixed nitrogen breaths life into a fire. Mix it with hydrogen and it kills it.

How many see where I am going? If you do then I congratulate you. If not let me try and explain things a little better.

We are the oxygen. You are. I am. And the fire is the relationship with our partner. The relationship will grow or die depending on what additional items we attach to ourselves. If we attach hydrogen (anger, bitterness, apathy, selfishness, negativeness, etc) then we produce water and we kill the fire. We kill the relationship. If we attach nitrogen (love, compassion, kindness, warmth, sympathy, caring, devotion, etc) then we produce air and we give the fire life. We grow it.

Now when the fire is dying it doesn't mean we did it. And sometimes the fire is blazing and we are just bystanders. Our partners have as much power over the fire as we do. And if you are reading this blog then I would be betting you are a nitrogen giver (air) and have a partner who is a hydrogen giver (water). I hope I am wrong.

The question now is how do we identify the things that produce nitrogen in a relationship (give it life) and eliminate the hydrogen production (water). The first part is easy I think. I re-recommend the book 5 Love Languages. It is packed with ideas for breathing life into a relationship. And when you see them in your partner encourage them. It will make them grow.

For the relationship killing items we need to tell ourselves they are not acceptable. And tell our partner. If something drives a wedge between you and makes you unhappy then they need to know. Find a way to tell them. If its you then make the decision to STOP.

HEARTWORK: Ask yourself what you are bringing to the party. Hydrogen or Nitrogen. Is it beyond your control? If the relationship is good then focus on making it better. Find new ideas. Encourage the good and make it clear the bad is not acceptable. If its bad then decide to fix it, live with it, or move on. You will know what you need to do there.

Send me ideas for bring Nitrogen to a relationhip. And if your relationship is full of hydrogen tell me why. Lets put a response list together and see what we can come up with.

brainstorminglife@yahoo.com

The "One" Thing

The ONE thing. I am not sure exactly what that means but in the movie City Slickers “Curly” says the secret to life is just ONE thing. Sounds simple enough. Until he explains that the ONE thing is up to us to figure out. What my ONE thing is will be different than what yours is. How do we figure out what it is?

Before we brainstorm a little I want to say thank you to the people leaving comments and sharing ideas. They are great. In fact this blog is based on ideas from the comments. I can’t tell you how exciting that is for me. We actually have a brainstorming session going!

What exactly is the secret to being happy? Can you even define happiness? Lots of money? A big house? Nice cars? Nice clothes? A perfect sculpted body (Earned or store bought)? The right friends? Popularity? Fame? An impressive title at work? Something you hope to accomplish someday soon?

What about desires that less outwardly expressed? Like simplicity? A nice walk after work around the neighborhood holding hands with your soul-mate? A pond out in the back of the yard with a little waterfall that you listen to while you weed the garden you planted? A hobby that just gets you excited. A good book. Monday Night Football with a nice fire going (a personal favorite). How about laying in the dark talking to your soul-mate about nothing in particular…in only a whisper. (Ya I love that idea)

We often times let the world tell us how we should measure happiness. Its usually very wrong and only helps to make us more unhappy. And for goodness sake nobody should be reading romance novels and fantasizing about the life those people seem to have. The books are fiction. Make believe. Not reality or even close to it.

I think it is safe to say that happiness is a choice and not a goal. It is a result of the decisions we make on a daily basis. I cant remember the movie but I remember the actor saying I wake up each morning and decide I will be happy. Lets face it. 95% of the things in our life that make us unhappy are preventable or fixable. Inaction is the biggest reason we are not happy. Failure to recognize a problem and take honest steps toward a resolution.

The goal should be to find a way to be truly happy. Now. Not when we win the lotto or our ship comes in. Not when the sun and moon and stars are all in perfect alignment for us. Now. And let me just say right now that Dr. Dobson happiness is not good enough. If you are settling for that then I wish you all the best. This blog is not for you.

HEARTWORK: Examine your life and measure your happiness. Figure out what in the world is standing between you and happiness and take action. Wake up tomorrow and decide to smile. Decide to have a good positive attitude. Decide to recognize solutions and not focus on the problems.

And then share your ideas with us. Brainstorminglife@yahoo.com

The Man In The Mirror

I have been talking to someone very important to me about life. Work, kids, home, dreams, wants, needs, you name it. One thing that has become a more visible component of our talks is how I view the world. I was sitting here this morning brainstorming my feelings on life and wow it just hit me like a ton of bricks. I no longer like the man I see in the mirror.

For almost my entire life I have been proud of who I am. The person I was deep down. When nobody was looking I was still me. And Grandma was proud. I was a man I wanted my children to grow to be like. Positive. The glass was more than half full and if it wasnt enough I could figure out how to get it filled to the rim.

Lately though it seems like too many waves are crashing on me and I cant stand against them. I don't know when it started but I see a short temper. I feel tired of the fight that I didn't pick. The fight I don't need and certainly don't want. I don't think I am the aggressor but I clearly am overly defensive when the old me would have smiled and walked away. I am not who I was. Grandma would smile and love me but she would not like what she sees.

How did this happen to me? When? What in the world am I thinking when I let the things that truly are NOT important to me just knock me off my feet and upset who I am? At the end of the day are these things of any value? Did I put all I had into a losing argument just to be upset and bitter? Worse yet, how much life and love am I missing out on because I let these things control me?

Is Susan Powder in the house?? Remember her? Her message was simple. STOP THE INSANITY. Take a measure of yourself and stop all the things that are undoing who you are. Make decisions based on fact and value, not on knee-jerk reactionary impulses that hurt our image far more than winning a meaningless fight would help it. In the end winning the fight will cost us the war. Because those we love the most will not want to be around us. They wont want to be involved with the man or woman it made us. And when we lose that, we lose everything.

Let me tell you it is not easy sitting alone and saying to yourself "wow, you really have changed. I don't like who we have become" Being that honest with yourself is hard. We want to justify everything. Its this reason, and that. And if this wasn't going on...please. Stop the insanity. Dig down and find your core. Decide to rebuild. Start being the person you remember you were. Start being the person you once loved. The person you were proud of.

HEARTWORK: Brainstorm the person you project to the world. If you were on the outside looking in, would you want to be this persons friend? Lover? Soul mate? If you answered no then get out the scalpel and start cutting out the parts you don't like. Get back to being the person you respected. Get back to being the person you wanted your sons or daughters to be. Get back to being the person others loved and wanted to be around. Be him again. Be her again.

BrainstormingLife@yahoo.com

Is Home Where the Heart is?

I have been really thinking about what I want to write this time. I have 4 topics I am currently working on but none of them are tugging at me too much so I spent a little time trying to figure out what was going on in my heart and mind. I analyzed all the data I have about my life and did a little processing. Something in that whole thing jumped out at me and I wanted to see what others thought.

Home. The place we are supposed to run to and escape the chaos of the world. A safe house in the war on life. A place where you feel loved and respected and care for and appreciated. Needed. Wanted. Desired even. A place that warms you up as you drive away from work. Where all those cares and concerns are supposed to magically melt away as you cross the threshold. The place where your lover is waiting for with a smile and a hug and a kiss.

What do you do when all the things you want to escape from are waiting for you at home? Petty bickering and anxiety and stress are all waiting there. Looming over the house like a dark cloud. You want to sneak in and get down the hall before they see you. You want to change with the door locked and hide in the room just a little while longer before you have to face them. You know you find words of kindness or compassion. You are going to hear about all the things you don’t do right. All the things you forgot to do. And the things you did and should not have. You are going to get a dish plate of sorrow, maybe a second helping just for good measure.

How do you handle it? Do you find the strength to persevere? Do you figure out how to deploy the Ducks Back defense? (That’s where you ignore everything and let it roll off you like water on a ducks back) Do you take the plate and tell yourself you deserve it? Its just deserts for you? Your lot in life. Do you stand up for yourself and say “Hey I am good partner and I am giving my all here so be nice to me”

What does it say about our relationship when we wake up in the morning looking forward to getting to work? Do you rush in the morning to get out of the house and free from them so you can breath? So you can get to work and feel appreciated? Loved? Do you love the feeling it gives you when colleagues say they have a problem and they come to you for help? For ideas? For solutions? Ya I sure do. Funny thing is that the smile I get lasts only as long as it takes for me to remember that I can’t figure out how solve my relationship problems. I can seem to answer everyone’s questions but my own. I can see solutions for everyone except for me.

Lunch is so pleasant. Friendly faces in your crowd. Laughing. Joking. Smiles. Flirting. Teasing. Encouragement. Stories about your kids. Sharing ideas you have for your garden or a vacation. Complaining that you cant get that last 5 pounds off and you are running out of energy for the gym! You know in your heart of hearts you want this for your life. You want this with him or her in a few short hours when you get home. You may even find yourself drifting off into a dream, a bite in your mouth still, picturing how it should be. And asking yourself why it isn’t.

Brainstorming question: How do you recapture the feeling that home is where the heart is? Can you identify the place and time when you notice you were losing that? Can you find a way to look back and say this and that happened and if I could change it here is what I think would happen? Does your partner know how you feel?

HEARTWORK: Ask yourself what changes do you need to make for yourself to have that happen? What changes do you need your partner to make? Can you make a list of things that are on your heart and sit down with them and say here is how I feel and WHY I feel this way…Can we work on this?

Your thoughts? brainstorminglife@yahoo.com