Involvement

I have been talking to various people lately and I see two common themes that keep a relationship from living up to its full potential. Involvement and communication. I want to brainstorm them individually so we get as much time as we need for each one. This time we will cover involvement, next time communication. I decided to go with involvement first because I think it’s the easiest to work on if you really want to make the effort to strengthen your relationship.

I was recently on a plane flying across the country and I got lucky enough to sit next to an elderly lady on her way to visit her daughter, her grandchildren, and her great grandchildren. She started talking as soon as I sat down and you know I couldn’t refuse a good conversation. She was so excited about her trip. She makes it every year as soon as it starts to warm up. It’s a chance to get out and stretch her legs, see the beautiful Carolina landscapes, and soak up some family time. She asked me if I like to travel. I said oh yes I sure do. She said she LOVES it. She had a dream of buying a motor home and going to every state she could and see as much of the country as possible when she retired. It was a dream. I told that was a great dream and she should do it!!

The problem she was having is that her husband doesn’t want to do it. He hates to travel. She then started to talk about how she was in this club and that club and she had this hobby and that hobby. But she did them all alone. She waited for him to retire to do things with him and he has no desire to do them. She said he was a good man. And she did love him and she respected him. But she wished he would get involved in her life. That was her only regret she says...that she had a partner that wasn’t interested in the life she was interested in.

That brings us to the brainstorming part. Do we wake up one day and realize our partner’s are not really interested in us or do we see it happening gradually over time? When the relationship starts to get stale, or is flat out dying, why do they sit on the sidelines completely oblivious to the signs and symptoms? Do they realize what it would mean to us to go out into the backyard with us and just sit there while we do a hobby like gardening. How about a stroll around the mall just because we want one?

OK Maybe the real question I am asking is do they not see how little things mean so much to us? You know it’s not a big diamond ring or a new car that endears us to our lovers. It's all the things they do that are undeniably from the heart. I read a letter today that a guy wrote to a relationship counselor. He was talking about how he felt things had become so routine, and how the things that should be special (like love making) seemed to be in fast-forward mode to get it over with as fast as possible. He said he would like for her to touch him as they pass in the hall. Or to let him somehow know she still finds him sexy. How does the relationship go from make-out sessions that left your lips puffy to a routine that you both wish were just over as fast as possible? How do you go from being locked together all time to space so far between you that you can’t see the other side? Another item I read this week dealt with the loneliness that is a loveless relationship. I wonder if the little things in life, the time spent with them doing something they enjoy, is glue that keeps the hearts connected.

Have you ever felt like you live with this person and they don’t even know who you are?If you read the 5 Love Languages book I recommended then you know Quality Time and Acts of Service are love languages we speak to our partners. When we do them, we put love in their tanks. When we complain about doing them, we open the valve and let the good stuff run out. One last question and I ask this with a big fat smile on my face. When you have a treasure in your life, how in the world do you not find every excuse possible to spend time with that person? I close my eyes and I dream of what it would be like to come home at night and ask her what she wants to do. I wouldn’t care what she said so long as I got to do it with her.

HEART WORK: Ask yourself if there are ways you could spend time with your partner that would really make them happy. Are there little things you used to do that you could start doing again? Would it be so bad to go out of your way to let them know how you feel about them? And please, take the time to read the book. Seriously. If you want to fall in love again read the book. I strongly believe that love is not a reactionary emotion, it’s a proactive action. Love is what we do far more than what we feel. You want more from your partner love him/her? With actions. Read the book. http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/

If you have your own ideas or stories lets hear them. BrainstormingLife@yahoo.com

Only in the movies?

I saw “Made Of Honor” the other day. I thought it was a really good movie and it really touched my heart. Tom and Hannah, the main characters, are best friends. They do everything together. They play games. They talk and listen and they know what the other is thinking. They have that connection that we have talked about here since the beginning. Best of all it was so natural. So unscripted. So effortless. It just flowed from the heart and it could not be faked or denied. It was wonderful to watch them interact with each other because you could see that deep heartfelt connection that is the foundation for the best of loves. I watched the movie and I saw so much in their relationship that I have dreamed about. Things I am jealous of. Things that made my heart say PLEASE I WANT THAT TOO!

Tom orders Starbucks for Hannah. One of those crazy formulas that only a Starbuck-aholic has any idea what is being said when it’s ordered. He remembers what she likes to the tiniest detail. He orders lunch for the two of them, and he makes sure he gets the things she loves most. They go to a bakery to get a desert, a random desert, and they are playing a guessing game on which desert will scratch the itch that day. They eat off each others plate (that was so great) It is very clear that they are absolutely the best of friends.

So I am watching and I am wondering…what is wrong with this man? Doesn’t he see?! Does he have a clue what he has in the woman that sits across from him? How is he missing the obvious fact that this is his soul mate? How could he be so blind? Is it blindness or is it apathy? Do we just take for granted that these treasures will always remain ours? Tom clearly thought Hannah would always be there for him. He was taking what he had for granted.

I did a lookup of that phrase “take for granted.” I got back interesting words. Assume. Undervalue. The opposite meaning is “appreciate.” Tom didn’t appreciate the gift he had.

Not until it was walking out the door.

WHY? Why did she have to be leaving for him to see what was walking away? I just don’t understand how people can be so blind, or so clueless, to what is sitting right there staring them in the eyes. Did he choose not to see it for fear he would have to give up the lifestyle he had? Yes in part because that idea was debated by tom and the guys on the basketball court. I almost came out of the chair to scream YOU FOOL! WHAT ARE YOU THINKING??!?!

There is a very interesting part of the movie where Tom decides to try some of the things he loves most about his relationship with Hannah on the girls he is dating. Nothing worked. Is it any wonder why? None of the girls got it. They didn’t see the neat little games he was trying to play with them. There wasn’t that exchange of emotion or love or understanding. I guess he could have taken a moment to say “When I do this, you are supposed to do that” But what fun is there in that? Who wants to force it to happen? He didn’t have to explain the rules to Hannah, because her heart already knew them. Without being told. How does that happen?

Oh ya we are supposed to be brainstorming. Actually I asked a lot of questions already so let’s get down to business.

HEART WORK: Ask yourself “What am I looking for?” What are you missing? Seriously. If you could order off an ala-carte relationship menu what items are on the menu that you can’t live without? Is what we want only found in the movies? Take an honest moment and evaluate what your heart is begging for.

Think about it.