I am working on a line of thinking that I don't have fleshed out but I have people asking for a post so let's do this!
I was talking to my daughter (I was blessed to get a daughter when I married my wife in 2014) She asked me why it was that I never fight with her mom, my wife. She thinks it is a bit weird for a couple to not fight from time to time, maybe even on a regular basis. How do you answer that? I am sorry for not reaching the specified fight quota for the day, week, month, year? Some have said that when there is nothing to fight about there is a lack of passion. HA. Seriously? So my daughter, and some experts apparently, are of the opinion that fighting is a normal thing and pretty much a requirement.
Hog wash.
I reject that idea on it's face alone. I am no Bible scholar but I just don't recall men of God who loved their wives yelling at them, or beating them, or giving them the silent treatment, or some other form of punishment and/or fighting with them. I still stand by a previous blog I wrote years and years ago where I establish the Relationship Energy theorem. When a relationship is good and there is trust, respect, integrity, love, adoration, then you will draw energy from it and it will refresh you. When a relationship lacks those building blocks for whatever reason, you will fight, and the relationship will suck energy from you and leave you drained and miserable.
I intend to continue my approach to my marriage because it is successful. I intend to continue giving my wife more than she asks for. More than she expects.
more to come...back to work.
Tuesday, June 14, 2016
Thursday, March 31, 2016
The Same Page
I have seen many relationships that I believe had the ability to stand the test of time somehow enter a tailspin that they could not recover from. Is it worse to be on the sidelines watching a couple that you know and love make all the wrong decisions and push their once magical relationship closer and closer toward destruction...or is it worse to be a participant in that demise? I have been both far more than I had ever hoped.
What do you do when you see it happening? Regardless of whether you are in the relationship or an observer, you feel so absolutely paralyzed that there is just about nothing you can do. How do you convince someone that their decisions are destructive to their amazing relationship? It almost never works because the person making the decisions almost always justifies them. Only after the relationship has been killed and buried do they have the hindsight to see what was happening. Sadly, many refuse to see it regardless of how big a wake the leave. I know I hate to admit that things I have done (and still do sometimes) contributed or flat out ensured a relationship failed. It is not easy to set aside pride and ego and to change behaviors. Muscle memory, or learned behavior, is very difficult to change.
Being on the same page as the person you are in a relationship is the key to success. You don't have to agree on everything. That is just not going to happen. But for big ticket items you do need to be on the same page or there will be grief that you may not be able to overcome. To make matters worse, when you recognize that you are not on the same page and you begin to take constructive steps toward resolution, nothing is more demoralizing than finding out your partner is simply not interested in bridging the gap. What happens next? Enter resentment for starters. Fear, insecurity, anger to name a few others.
I am watching this happen in several relationships now. It is sad when I play back conversations where I told them that this issue will turn into this if you don't change things now. Being right is certainly a horrible feeling. Sometimes the only hope to a correction is immediately upon recognition of the problem. Allowing it to breath life for any length of time entrenches the issue and makes digging it out by the roots a near impossibility. That is also a horrible feeling to come to that realization.
Many great relationships are ruined by indifference to how you are being treated. Many by simple ignorance. Many by willful denial.
I pray for the 2 couples I see struggling at this moment. I see how they planted seeds, all 4 of them, that brought them to the where they stand now. I hope it is not too late to change course and resolve to stay together and resolve to get on the same page over big relationship destroying issues.
What do you think?
Email me: Brainstorminglife@yahoo.com
Heartwork: reflection. Analyze your relationship and see where you are not on the same page as your partner. As subtle as you possibly can, start a change in your own life to fix that.
What do you do when you see it happening? Regardless of whether you are in the relationship or an observer, you feel so absolutely paralyzed that there is just about nothing you can do. How do you convince someone that their decisions are destructive to their amazing relationship? It almost never works because the person making the decisions almost always justifies them. Only after the relationship has been killed and buried do they have the hindsight to see what was happening. Sadly, many refuse to see it regardless of how big a wake the leave. I know I hate to admit that things I have done (and still do sometimes) contributed or flat out ensured a relationship failed. It is not easy to set aside pride and ego and to change behaviors. Muscle memory, or learned behavior, is very difficult to change.
Being on the same page as the person you are in a relationship is the key to success. You don't have to agree on everything. That is just not going to happen. But for big ticket items you do need to be on the same page or there will be grief that you may not be able to overcome. To make matters worse, when you recognize that you are not on the same page and you begin to take constructive steps toward resolution, nothing is more demoralizing than finding out your partner is simply not interested in bridging the gap. What happens next? Enter resentment for starters. Fear, insecurity, anger to name a few others.
I am watching this happen in several relationships now. It is sad when I play back conversations where I told them that this issue will turn into this if you don't change things now. Being right is certainly a horrible feeling. Sometimes the only hope to a correction is immediately upon recognition of the problem. Allowing it to breath life for any length of time entrenches the issue and makes digging it out by the roots a near impossibility. That is also a horrible feeling to come to that realization.
Many great relationships are ruined by indifference to how you are being treated. Many by simple ignorance. Many by willful denial.
I pray for the 2 couples I see struggling at this moment. I see how they planted seeds, all 4 of them, that brought them to the where they stand now. I hope it is not too late to change course and resolve to stay together and resolve to get on the same page over big relationship destroying issues.
What do you think?
Email me: Brainstorminglife@yahoo.com
Heartwork: reflection. Analyze your relationship and see where you are not on the same page as your partner. As subtle as you possibly can, start a change in your own life to fix that.
Thursday, February 18, 2016
The Staying Kind
A few years back I was having a very intense discussion with someone about decisions people make when they are involved in an unhealthy relationship. Why do people stay silent? Why are some so unwilling to work on their problems and salvage what was once a good thing? Why do people stay with someone who abuses them? (Abuse comes in many forms, not just beatings) Why do people actually go out of their way to justify the behaviors of the person they are in a bad relationship with? Why? Because we are the staying kind. We find it is easier to accept the deteriorating relationship than it is to do what it takes to find the exit and leave. Staying is so much easier. And let's face it...we romanticize about a crazy possibility that the relationship will fix itself and we can go back to being happy and in love.
Well guess what. It almost never happens. The person we are in a bad relationship with has become comfortable with things and are often unwilling to even discuss the issues with us, never mind find a solution. They think the mean comments are justified because we provoked them. They think we are overreacting and insecure when we question them about inappropriate texting or snap chats. They think we needed to be put in our place when we get upset over their already bad behavior. They find ways to justify the way they treat us and that means they discount the need to find healing with us.
I spent far too long in bad relationships trying to keep a stiff upper lip. Trying to be brave. Trying to explain to myself that it will get better and they will come around. I learned my lesson. It took far too long to realize that being the staying kind is a losing proposition. There is someone out there looking for me. Someone who will love me and respect me and adore me. And they can't find me if I am trapped in a bad relationship with someone who simply does not care enough to fix things. So I decided I was not going to be the staying kind anymore. I don't want to wake up one day and look back on more days than I should and be sorry I missed out on something better. I turned the switch on somehow...and I got the courage to leave. Not just leave...but never allow myself to be in that spot again. I am mentally good with the realization that sometimes I am not what they want.
The other day I was talking with my wife about this. She is was upset that I told her I am not staying married regardless of how things work out. She wanted a forever marriage with me. I told her she has a forever marriage with me. I am not laying the groundwork for an exit. I am simply not going to stay if she decides to start treating me the way others have treated me in the past and think that I am going to stay because I am a good guy. Even the ring wont trap me any more. If she wants to see us grow old together then she needs to put all her efforts into loving me, because I putting all my effort into loving her. Treat me with respect. With dignity. Love me. Make me feel needed and wanted and welcome.
Is that harsh? Maybe. Relationships end all the time, usually because the people stop liking each other or get bored or any number of understandable reasons. I get that. I consider that normal. Par for the course. But that is far different than someone destroying the relationship because they think you are going to take it. I have had enough of being treated that way. I may not be Brad Pitt, Leo, Denzel, you name it...but I am a good guy and I deserve the best. Anything less...you will see the tail lights.
Yes that is a dramatic change from my previous posts. But I see no reason to stay when the other person treats you with so much indifference and coldness.
More to come on this...
email me your thoughts. Brainstorminglife@yahoo.com
Well guess what. It almost never happens. The person we are in a bad relationship with has become comfortable with things and are often unwilling to even discuss the issues with us, never mind find a solution. They think the mean comments are justified because we provoked them. They think we are overreacting and insecure when we question them about inappropriate texting or snap chats. They think we needed to be put in our place when we get upset over their already bad behavior. They find ways to justify the way they treat us and that means they discount the need to find healing with us.
I spent far too long in bad relationships trying to keep a stiff upper lip. Trying to be brave. Trying to explain to myself that it will get better and they will come around. I learned my lesson. It took far too long to realize that being the staying kind is a losing proposition. There is someone out there looking for me. Someone who will love me and respect me and adore me. And they can't find me if I am trapped in a bad relationship with someone who simply does not care enough to fix things. So I decided I was not going to be the staying kind anymore. I don't want to wake up one day and look back on more days than I should and be sorry I missed out on something better. I turned the switch on somehow...and I got the courage to leave. Not just leave...but never allow myself to be in that spot again. I am mentally good with the realization that sometimes I am not what they want.
The other day I was talking with my wife about this. She is was upset that I told her I am not staying married regardless of how things work out. She wanted a forever marriage with me. I told her she has a forever marriage with me. I am not laying the groundwork for an exit. I am simply not going to stay if she decides to start treating me the way others have treated me in the past and think that I am going to stay because I am a good guy. Even the ring wont trap me any more. If she wants to see us grow old together then she needs to put all her efforts into loving me, because I putting all my effort into loving her. Treat me with respect. With dignity. Love me. Make me feel needed and wanted and welcome.
Is that harsh? Maybe. Relationships end all the time, usually because the people stop liking each other or get bored or any number of understandable reasons. I get that. I consider that normal. Par for the course. But that is far different than someone destroying the relationship because they think you are going to take it. I have had enough of being treated that way. I may not be Brad Pitt, Leo, Denzel, you name it...but I am a good guy and I deserve the best. Anything less...you will see the tail lights.
Yes that is a dramatic change from my previous posts. But I see no reason to stay when the other person treats you with so much indifference and coldness.
More to come on this...
email me your thoughts. Brainstorminglife@yahoo.com
Tuesday, August 18, 2015
I Deserved This
Yesterday was my birthday. To celebrate my birthday my new wife arranged for a family BBQ on Saturday and invited my children, parents, siblings, and friends to come over and have fun. We had a great time. I got some really thoughtful gifts. My nephew Noah read me the card he picked out for me. Noah is 6 and can read at a 4th grade level. You should have seen the glowing smile on his face as he read it. He is so proud of himself and it warmed my heart watching him. The entire day was magical. I could not have asked for more.
It has been a long long long time since someone did something so nice for me. I feel like I put a lot of effort into making others happy, and I never ask for anything in return. The fact that she did this for me was amazing. After everyone left she asked if I was upset, or bothered, that she organized the party. I said no, not at all, it was wonderful. She said "No. YOU are wonderful and you deserve to have someone love on you the way you try to love on every in your life"
I deserved the party. And I deserve this woman.
My life is so great.
It has been a long long long time since someone did something so nice for me. I feel like I put a lot of effort into making others happy, and I never ask for anything in return. The fact that she did this for me was amazing. After everyone left she asked if I was upset, or bothered, that she organized the party. I said no, not at all, it was wonderful. She said "No. YOU are wonderful and you deserve to have someone love on you the way you try to love on every in your life"
I deserved the party. And I deserve this woman.
My life is so great.
Wednesday, June 3, 2015
Half Way Through - Looking Forward
We are few short days away from the 2015 half-way point. And me personally, at age 46, consider myself be to right about my half-way point here on earth. So it is time to do a little retrospective analysis, and plot course for the future.
I lied. I am not going to review the past. There is no point. Every day we complete serves only to teach us how to conduct ourselves going forward. We can't go back and change things, though we wish we could. We can't replay a moment in time and try alternative approaches to a problem to see what the results would be. Waste of time to even think about.
Everyone who knows me is aware of the fact that Ronald Reagan is my hero. He was very much a "glass half full...well (say it with his voice) it is actually more than half full and getting better by day" kinda guy. That was his approach to life. It is GREAT to be alive and tomorrow will be even better.
For the remainder of 2015 I have a number of things I want to get done.
I have taken a mortgage class and I need to take the state and federal exam to get my license. I will get that done this month. As soon as I do I want to help a number of my friends that are veterans get their own home.
I have built about 80% of the fencing for my garden and barn yard area. I need to complete that and get water and electricity out that section of the yard (I have 1.5 acres) Get electricity to the shed and the barn, as well as hot spots along the fence line for power tools etc.
I need to transition my garden from a ground grow to a raised bed grow. Gophers, squirrels, and RABBITS have completely wiped out this years garden. I am so bummed.
I want to finish a flip I have had in the works for 18 months. I can see the end of the tunnel on this one. I want to get 1 more flip done in 2015 and use the proceeds to do 3 flips next year.
I am almost debt free. I will be debt free with the exception of my home, my rental properties, and a vehicle payment before Christmas of this year.
I want to take a cooking class this year, and some other interesting class, at the local community college.
I have a courtyard I finished paving with brick last year. I will put up the walls, run lighting, build the fire pit, and get that done.
OK more things to do this year on the next list.
What things are on your list to accomplish this year?
brainstorminglife@yahoo.com
I lied. I am not going to review the past. There is no point. Every day we complete serves only to teach us how to conduct ourselves going forward. We can't go back and change things, though we wish we could. We can't replay a moment in time and try alternative approaches to a problem to see what the results would be. Waste of time to even think about.
Everyone who knows me is aware of the fact that Ronald Reagan is my hero. He was very much a "glass half full...well (say it with his voice) it is actually more than half full and getting better by day" kinda guy. That was his approach to life. It is GREAT to be alive and tomorrow will be even better.
For the remainder of 2015 I have a number of things I want to get done.
I have taken a mortgage class and I need to take the state and federal exam to get my license. I will get that done this month. As soon as I do I want to help a number of my friends that are veterans get their own home.
I have built about 80% of the fencing for my garden and barn yard area. I need to complete that and get water and electricity out that section of the yard (I have 1.5 acres) Get electricity to the shed and the barn, as well as hot spots along the fence line for power tools etc.
I need to transition my garden from a ground grow to a raised bed grow. Gophers, squirrels, and RABBITS have completely wiped out this years garden. I am so bummed.
I want to finish a flip I have had in the works for 18 months. I can see the end of the tunnel on this one. I want to get 1 more flip done in 2015 and use the proceeds to do 3 flips next year.
I am almost debt free. I will be debt free with the exception of my home, my rental properties, and a vehicle payment before Christmas of this year.
I want to take a cooking class this year, and some other interesting class, at the local community college.
I have a courtyard I finished paving with brick last year. I will put up the walls, run lighting, build the fire pit, and get that done.
OK more things to do this year on the next list.
What things are on your list to accomplish this year?
brainstorminglife@yahoo.com
Tuesday, March 17, 2015
The Walking Dead
No not the zombie show. I do love that show. Team Glenn. Team Michonne.
Walking dead is when you are in a relationship that is going nowhere. One or both have turned to zombies (died) and are just going through the motions without the emotions. That is a very hard, sad, lonely place to be.
Is it over? Only if you want it to be. Only if it has to be. There is always hope until you give up hope. Does that make sense? Nothing is beyond repair if you have reconciliation in your heart. You can find a way to restore the life and restore the love. But it will take both parties wanting it. Both parties working on a solution. Both parties committed to restoration.
I have my ideas. But I want to hear your thoughts.
Have you restored a relationship and brought it back to life and love? How??
Have you TRIED to restore one and fail? What did you try? Did some things work and some things not work? Tell us the good bad and ugly.
Send your thoughts...Let's see what we can come up with.
Brainstorminglife@yahoo.com
Walking dead is when you are in a relationship that is going nowhere. One or both have turned to zombies (died) and are just going through the motions without the emotions. That is a very hard, sad, lonely place to be.
Is it over? Only if you want it to be. Only if it has to be. There is always hope until you give up hope. Does that make sense? Nothing is beyond repair if you have reconciliation in your heart. You can find a way to restore the life and restore the love. But it will take both parties wanting it. Both parties working on a solution. Both parties committed to restoration.
I have my ideas. But I want to hear your thoughts.
Have you restored a relationship and brought it back to life and love? How??
Have you TRIED to restore one and fail? What did you try? Did some things work and some things not work? Tell us the good bad and ugly.
Send your thoughts...Let's see what we can come up with.
Brainstorminglife@yahoo.com
Monday, February 9, 2015
Footprints
I was in church this past weekend and the Pastor made a statement that really caught me. He said "people will enter your life, and might quietly leave. They will leave footprints on your heart. Some big. Some small. Others will stay a life time and leave the prints that matter."
We know the "Footprints" piece where the person asks Jesus about the one set of prints. Jesus carried that person during those moments and left only His prints.
What prints are we leaving in the lives of the people we love? Are we walking with them hand in hand, proving encouragement and direction and strength and support? When we see our loved ones struggling with something do we try and help them find a solution? Are we empathetic and loving and offer them an understanding shoulder? There are often times our loved ones struggle in areas that we flat out do not agree with. They do things we disapprove of. Or they believe things in their hearts that we do not agree with. In those times do we work to move them toward resolution? Do we take a moment and say something to the effect "I do not agree with your thinking, or your decisions, or your actions, but I am going to love you through this" Those are the footprints on their heart that they can look back on and smile because they know we went above and beyond to love them unconditionally.
What about the footprints that stomp hope and happiness from our relationship with them. Do you ever wonder why you make the decisions you make in those moments? I remember feeling so very betrayed by one of my children one day and openly venting about the decisions. I had no idea he was down the hall and heard me. Even though I was right, I was was wrong. I hurt him. I saw it in his eyes when he confronted me moments later. I knew damage was done. Damage that might take years to repair, if ever. I regret making such a poor decision in that moment of hurt. Are there decisions you made in a moment of uncertainty or hurt or confusion that you wish you could take back? I have so many.
I want the footprints I leave to be ones framed with love. Even for those that have come and gone in my life. Those momentary relationships with friends that were for a season. I want them to think of me some days and say "Ya he was a great guy. I miss that one." I want the people I love to be at my grave many many MANY years down the road and tell stories of things I did to show them uncompromising unyielding unfailing unquestionable love.
I want to leave big footprints.
We know the "Footprints" piece where the person asks Jesus about the one set of prints. Jesus carried that person during those moments and left only His prints.
What prints are we leaving in the lives of the people we love? Are we walking with them hand in hand, proving encouragement and direction and strength and support? When we see our loved ones struggling with something do we try and help them find a solution? Are we empathetic and loving and offer them an understanding shoulder? There are often times our loved ones struggle in areas that we flat out do not agree with. They do things we disapprove of. Or they believe things in their hearts that we do not agree with. In those times do we work to move them toward resolution? Do we take a moment and say something to the effect "I do not agree with your thinking, or your decisions, or your actions, but I am going to love you through this" Those are the footprints on their heart that they can look back on and smile because they know we went above and beyond to love them unconditionally.
What about the footprints that stomp hope and happiness from our relationship with them. Do you ever wonder why you make the decisions you make in those moments? I remember feeling so very betrayed by one of my children one day and openly venting about the decisions. I had no idea he was down the hall and heard me. Even though I was right, I was was wrong. I hurt him. I saw it in his eyes when he confronted me moments later. I knew damage was done. Damage that might take years to repair, if ever. I regret making such a poor decision in that moment of hurt. Are there decisions you made in a moment of uncertainty or hurt or confusion that you wish you could take back? I have so many.
I want the footprints I leave to be ones framed with love. Even for those that have come and gone in my life. Those momentary relationships with friends that were for a season. I want them to think of me some days and say "Ya he was a great guy. I miss that one." I want the people I love to be at my grave many many MANY years down the road and tell stories of things I did to show them uncompromising unyielding unfailing unquestionable love.
I want to leave big footprints.
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