An interesting idea came to me today. Soul mate is a term we toss around alot. If you read my post on the idea you saw that we only began to scratch the surface of the whole idea of a soul mate and how we find them and if they are only a myth. I brain stormed a list of "ingredients" I think are more detailed than the first post and are fundamental to what it takes to be a soul mate. I hope you send me your ideas on what it takes so we can add them to the list.
Communication
When I think about communication I am not referring to the exchange of words. I mean really cutting through the crap and getting to the heart of matters. When there is something on your mind can you go to your mate and say hey lets talk I have this on my heart...and get them to engage in a honest discussion that leaves you feeling like they heard me? Are you afraid to speak your heart and mind? Do you feel its a waste of time? Does sharing your feelings cause more grief than just holding it in? Or do you have an open-door policy that says you can go to them and talk about anything, anytime, for any reason?
Play
People do things together all the time. I see couples at the casino sitting side by side and they look like they both have tooth aches. Or you see them out in the mall walking and he is just miserable and she is bored. Doing things together does not mean you are having fun. It doesnt even mean you did them "together" It just means you were both in the same place at the same time doing the same thing. I want to know if you are having fun with them? Do you look forward to going out with them? Do they make you laugh? Do you think they are a blast? Ever sit around and think back and giggle about something that happened while you were with them and think "ya I love being with him/her?" Do you have things you do as a couple? Anything? Bowling? Co-ed softball? Thursday nights taking line-dancing lessons? Do you laugh....
Conversation
Not communication. I mean just simply talking. We all look at that couple in the restaurant staring blankly into space and you dont remember either sharing a word. Who wants that??? I know couples that every time you look at them they are "whisper whisper" talking about who knows what. Ya I love that. I want to leave home in the morning after chit-chatting with her and need to call her on the road to work because I have more things to talk to her about. Just exchanging ideas. Telling each other stories about growing up, and dreams you have, and ideas, and things you wonder about, places you want to go. Ever ask her to pick a topic and choose the opposite side of the debate just to push your thinking? Or is there a lot of silence iterupted by a moment where someone passes quick information to you...and back to silence? I want someone who has something happen to her (good or bad) and I am the one she wants to call and say "guess what?"
Sex
Yep. Sex. Not just ya that was good, or ya I had an orgasm or two, but the kind that warms your heart up as well. Someone that doesn't want anyone else for any reason. Someone that knows you are not Brad Pitt but she loves getting naked with you anyway because it goes well beyond physical time together. Can you tell your lover "hey I want to try this?" Or hey ever think about this? Can you tell them that sex lately is a little routine and they respond with a ya I know lets step it up? Or do they get upset and complain about work and the kids and the bills? Does your lover make you feel like they are just unbelievably happy that you are willing to get naked with them? Do they find ways to explore and encourage and try new ideas? Are they open to your needs? Do you see eye to eye on how to define good sex? After all, good sex is a relative idea and what may be good for me isnt good for you. Do they see that and work to please you?
Core Values
What I am getting at here are your fundamental principals that guide you. Do you both feel the same way about getting too much change back from a clerk at a store? (I return it, do you?) Do you share the same ideas on alcohol? Smoking? Porn? Church? Do you have the same work ethic? Does your mate feel the same way you do about white lies? What about issues that are less central to character like picking up after yourself? Is your mate a neat person like you or a slob like you? Or somewhere in a happy middle ground? Do you place the same level of value on family time? Another way of looking at this is ask yourself if you respect the underlying person your mate is? Do you admire their character? Are you proud of WHO they are inside, and when nobody is watching?
OK I have more area I could go on with but I kinda want to see what other people think. I picked 5 ingredients I consider absolute must-haves. The others I have are more of what I would call "nice to have" but not required.
HEARTWORK: Make a list for yourself that outlines what you think your soul mate should be made up of. Don't think. WRITE. Put it on paper. Or email a list to yourself if you don't want anyone to stumble across it. However you do it, make it real by recording it somewhere other than your brain (and heart of course!)
Email your list to me if you so desire. I would love to expand this list with lots of ideas. Then people who don't know for sure can look at our comprehensive list and say Yes I need this, and I need that, naw that's not a deal-breaker, oh yes I want this quality... You get the point.
Bye for now.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Friday, May 2, 2008
The rear view mirror
Silly idea I know. Its just not possible. If it were I dont think any of us would have a life that looked remotely like the one we have now. Hind sights twenty-twenty. Arm-chair quarterback. Whatever the term its easy to say "would have, could have, should have"
Rather than crying over spilt milk and missed oportunities lets see how we can make better decisions in the future by brain storming decisions of the past. How is that possible is the first thing that came to your mind right? Easy. History repeats itself. Especially mistakes! So if we can be honest with ourselves about decisions from the past then we can use them as a guide for making better decisionsgoing forward.
Lets brain storm the decisions we made.
Take a look at where you are in life now. A good honest look. Now trace backwards and see if you can spot the decisions that ultimatelyshaped your life. The decision to buy a car. A house. Change jobs. Have a child. Get married. Date him or her. I dont think its too hard to analyze them in hind sight and see where we made poor choices. The question is WHY? WHY did you change jobs? WHY did you marry that person? WHY did you do what you did? Did you agree to something on the spur of the moment knowing it felt wrong but didnt want to go against the grain? Go along to get along? Were you afraid that in that moment that was the best offer you would have? Did you think it was once in a lifetime? Or were you just too indifferent to honestly evaluate the decision?
If you are like me you did it because it was easier than standing up for OURSELVES. When I realized I should not get married I had a panic attack. Oh My God. I should not get married. How can I stop this? How can I do whats best for me and not hurt her? She wont understand that I am not ready. And may never be. My friends will be very disappointed. The mentors in my life will be disappointed. This woman is not my soul mate. Not my best friend. Not the one I turn to when I need a shoulder. Not the one I seek out advice from. Not the one I bounce ideas of and certainly not the one I feel free to share my deepest secrets with.
You know what decisions you regret, so why did we make them? Did you see the signs? Do you see them now looking back? Were things clear at the time and you just ignored them hoping they would go away? Did you justify things to youself saying oh its not really that bad? Did you think they would get better? Or did you just not see them? Isnt it funny (in a sad way) how easy it is to say we saw this, and that, and the other, and we did it anyway. We knew in our heart of hearts it was a mistake. But it was easier to endure than stand up for ourselves.
What about decisions we dont make. We are miserable at our job but we stay for reasons that are almost always not our own. Our spouse would be upset if we changed jobs. The bedroom is just depressing, but I cant figure out how to brighten it up and besides she picked the color and the pictures and it would make her mad if I asked for a change. We ALWAYS get pizza at that place and I dont like it why cant I just insist on switching places one time for ME?
Could that be it? Maybe? We dont want to make things about us. We dont want to appear selfish. Or worse. Needy.
We have the feeling inside that if someone needs to be hurt it should be us. We have built up a tolerance for the emotional pain and figure we can take it. Its easier to endure the pain in silence than deal with someone else. We tuck it away and hold onto it.
Do you regret not dating someone because of what others would think? Do you regret not apologizing because pride wouldnt let you? Do you regret letting that ONE, the one you hoped for all your life, turn and walk away without putting up a fight for them? Can you see where things were good and started to go bad while you stood idle, not doing anything to stop it?
How does all this help us with the future? Will we take the lessons learned and try to avoid repeating history? Maybe understanding why we did what we did will give us courage to expect more next time. We are worth it after all.
HEART WORK: Be serious about your rear-view analysis. Step back in time from where you are NOW to where you think things started to get out of control. What decisions did you avoid? Write them down. What decisions did you make that put you last? Write them down. Forgive yourself for the decisions you made. Forgive yourself for the decisions you refused to make.
Rather than crying over spilt milk and missed oportunities lets see how we can make better decisions in the future by brain storming decisions of the past. How is that possible is the first thing that came to your mind right? Easy. History repeats itself. Especially mistakes! So if we can be honest with ourselves about decisions from the past then we can use them as a guide for making better decisionsgoing forward.
Lets brain storm the decisions we made.
Take a look at where you are in life now. A good honest look. Now trace backwards and see if you can spot the decisions that ultimatelyshaped your life. The decision to buy a car. A house. Change jobs. Have a child. Get married. Date him or her. I dont think its too hard to analyze them in hind sight and see where we made poor choices. The question is WHY? WHY did you change jobs? WHY did you marry that person? WHY did you do what you did? Did you agree to something on the spur of the moment knowing it felt wrong but didnt want to go against the grain? Go along to get along? Were you afraid that in that moment that was the best offer you would have? Did you think it was once in a lifetime? Or were you just too indifferent to honestly evaluate the decision?
If you are like me you did it because it was easier than standing up for OURSELVES. When I realized I should not get married I had a panic attack. Oh My God. I should not get married. How can I stop this? How can I do whats best for me and not hurt her? She wont understand that I am not ready. And may never be. My friends will be very disappointed. The mentors in my life will be disappointed. This woman is not my soul mate. Not my best friend. Not the one I turn to when I need a shoulder. Not the one I seek out advice from. Not the one I bounce ideas of and certainly not the one I feel free to share my deepest secrets with.
You know what decisions you regret, so why did we make them? Did you see the signs? Do you see them now looking back? Were things clear at the time and you just ignored them hoping they would go away? Did you justify things to youself saying oh its not really that bad? Did you think they would get better? Or did you just not see them? Isnt it funny (in a sad way) how easy it is to say we saw this, and that, and the other, and we did it anyway. We knew in our heart of hearts it was a mistake. But it was easier to endure than stand up for ourselves.
What about decisions we dont make. We are miserable at our job but we stay for reasons that are almost always not our own. Our spouse would be upset if we changed jobs. The bedroom is just depressing, but I cant figure out how to brighten it up and besides she picked the color and the pictures and it would make her mad if I asked for a change. We ALWAYS get pizza at that place and I dont like it why cant I just insist on switching places one time for ME?
Could that be it? Maybe? We dont want to make things about us. We dont want to appear selfish. Or worse. Needy.
We have the feeling inside that if someone needs to be hurt it should be us. We have built up a tolerance for the emotional pain and figure we can take it. Its easier to endure the pain in silence than deal with someone else. We tuck it away and hold onto it.
Do you regret not dating someone because of what others would think? Do you regret not apologizing because pride wouldnt let you? Do you regret letting that ONE, the one you hoped for all your life, turn and walk away without putting up a fight for them? Can you see where things were good and started to go bad while you stood idle, not doing anything to stop it?
How does all this help us with the future? Will we take the lessons learned and try to avoid repeating history? Maybe understanding why we did what we did will give us courage to expect more next time. We are worth it after all.
HEART WORK: Be serious about your rear-view analysis. Step back in time from where you are NOW to where you think things started to get out of control. What decisions did you avoid? Write them down. What decisions did you make that put you last? Write them down. Forgive yourself for the decisions you made. Forgive yourself for the decisions you refused to make.
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