The Staying Kind

A few years back I was having a very intense discussion with someone about decisions people make when they are involved in an unhealthy relationship.  Why do people stay silent?  Why are some so unwilling to work on their problems and salvage what was once a good thing?  Why do people stay with someone who abuses them?  (Abuse comes in many forms, not just beatings)  Why do people actually go out of their way to justify the behaviors of the person they are in a bad relationship with?  Why?  Because we are the staying kind.  We find it is easier to accept the deteriorating relationship than it is to do what it takes to find the exit and leave.  Staying is so much easier.  And let's face it...we romanticize about a crazy possibility that the relationship will fix itself and we can go back to being happy and in love.

Well guess what.  It almost never happens.  The person we are in a bad relationship with has become comfortable with things and are often unwilling to even discuss the issues with us, never mind find a solution.  They think the mean comments are justified because we provoked them.  They think we are overreacting and insecure when we question them about inappropriate texting or snap chats.  They think we needed to be put in our place when we get upset over their already bad behavior.  They find ways to justify the way they treat us and that means they discount the need to find healing with us.

I spent far too long in bad relationships trying to keep a stiff upper lip.  Trying to be brave.  Trying to explain to myself that it will get better and they will come around.  I learned my lesson.  It took far too long to realize that being the staying kind is a losing proposition.  There is someone out there looking for me.  Someone who will love me and respect me and adore me.  And they can't find me if I am trapped in a bad relationship with someone who simply does not care enough to fix things.  So I decided I was not going to be the staying kind anymore.  I don't want to wake up one day and look back on more days than I should and be sorry I missed out on something better.  I turned the switch on somehow...and I got the courage to leave.  Not just leave...but never allow myself to be in that spot again.  I am mentally good with the realization that sometimes I am not what they want. 


The other day I was talking with my wife about this.  She is was upset that I told her I am not staying married regardless of how things work out.  She wanted a forever marriage with me.  I told her she has a forever marriage with me.  I am not laying the groundwork for an exit.  I am simply not going to stay if she decides to start treating me the way others have treated me in the past and think that I am going to stay because I am a good guy.  Even the ring wont trap me any more.  If she wants to see us grow old together then she needs to put all her efforts into loving me, because I putting all my effort into loving her.  Treat me with respect.  With dignity.  Love me.  Make me feel needed and wanted and welcome. 

Is that harsh?  Maybe.  Relationships end all the time, usually because the people stop liking each other or get bored or any number of understandable reasons.  I get that.  I consider that normal.  Par for the course.  But that is far different than someone destroying the relationship because they think you are going to take it.  I have had enough of being treated that way.  I may not be Brad Pitt, Leo, Denzel, you name it...but I am a good guy and I deserve the best.  Anything less...you will see the tail lights. 

Yes that is a dramatic change from my previous posts.  But I see no reason to stay when the other person treats you with so much indifference and coldness. 

More to come on this...

email me your thoughts.  Brainstorminglife@yahoo.com